I had always scoffed at the word “whore.” It sounded guttural and
outmoded even to me. But even though I silently mocked Shawn for
using it, I had come to identify with it. That it was old-fashioned only
strengthened the association, because it meant I usually only heard the
word in connection with myself.
Once, when I was fifteen, after I’d started wearing mascara and lip
gloss, Shawn had told Dad that he’d heard rumors about me in town,
that I had a reputation. Immediately Dad thought I was pregnant. He
should never have allowed those plays in town, he screamed at Mother.
Mother said I was trustworthy, modest. Shawn said no teenage girl was
trustworthy, and that in his experience those who seemed pious were
sometimes the worst of all.
I sat on my bed, knees pressed to my chest, and listened to them
shout. Was I pregnant? I wasn’t sure. I considered every interaction I’d
had with a boy, every glance, every touch. I walked to the mirror and
raised my shirt, then ran my fingers across my abdomen, examining it
inch by inch and thought, Maybe.
I had never kissed a boy.
I had witnessed birth, but I’d been given none of the facts of
conception. While my father and brother shouted, ignorance kept me
silent: I couldn’t defend myself, because I didn’t understand the
accusation.
Days later, when it was confirmed that I was not pregnant, I evolved
a new understanding of the word “whore,” one that was less about
actions and more about essence. It was not that I had done something
wrong so much as that I existed in the wrong way. There was
something impure in the fact of my being.
It’s strange how you give the people you love so much power over
you, I had written in my journal. But Shawn had more power over me
than I could possibly have imagined. He had defined me to myself, and
there’s no greater power than that.
—I STOOD OUTSIDE THE bishop’s office on a cold night in February. I didn’t
know what had taken me there.
The bishop sat calmly behind his desk. He asked what he could do
for me, and I said I didn’t know. No one could give me what I wanted,