unprepared and tends either to lose interest or to go backward.
For example, in stage one, because we don’t want to experi-
ence the possibility of rejection or failure, we may move too
quickly into stage two, uncertainty. As a result, in the initial
period of dating, we become overly picky before pursuing or
flirting with a potential partner. Instead of being open to what
a person can offer, we begin to test a person too soon. We are
looking for certainty that this is the right person with whom
to be exclusive instead of just having a good time dating.
Quite commonly, people skip stage two. Instead of risking
the loss of a partner because they are not sure, they just move
right into the higher stages. Instead of taking some time to test
the relationship before getting more intimately involved, they
panic and give in to the pressure of not knowing and behave
as if they know for sure.
Instead of feeling secure that a man is the right man for her,
a woman skips ahead by trying to prove to him that she is right
for him. When the man feels uncertain, he may feel the pressure
to show how committed he is as a way to impress her when
in truth he is not ready. As they get more involved, they will
both have a tendency to go back to uncertainty. He may tend
to become indifferent and distant, while her tendency will be
to become more needy and hungry for reassurance.
When a woman reacts to a man in stage one (attraction) as
if she were in stage five (engagement), it is as inappropriate
as it would be to ask a man on the first date how many people
he wants to invite to the wedding, or how many children he
wants to have. In most cases, when a woman reacts as if she
were in a higher stage, that will make it more difficult for a
man to progress though the stages.
MAKING IT THROUGH THE FIVE STAGES / 131