With a clear understanding of the four bases, a woman can
definitely and accurately communicate to a man how far she
is willing to go. This clarity allows her to move from feeling
uncertain to getting more involved with a man.
How far the woman goes should always be her choice. To
make this choice she needs to be sure that her willingness is
not coming from a place of obligation or sympathy for the
man’s need, or from a rebelliousness to authority. She needs
to listen within herself to determine when she is ready. A
clearer understanding of the five stages of dating will help
both her and him to understand why waiting is so important.
HOW TO SAY NO
Rachel had no problem saying no. She chose to stay a virgin
until her wedding night, when she was twenty-eight years old.
At a certain point while dating, as she started to feel the pres-
sures building to be more physically intimate, she would
simply say, “Look, I just want you to know I am a virgin and
I plan to stay that way till I get married. I like kissing and
touching, but that is all.” By establishing her limits she then
felt free to open up and be more physically intimate as she and
the man she was dating also became more emotionally and
mentally intimate.
Andrea had a different approach. After a kiss became very
steamy, she would say clearly, “I don’t want to go any further.
I am not ready. I need more time.” As time passed, she would
let a man know when she was ready to go a little further.
Cathy would just say very quickly, in a friendly tone, “No,
I don’t want to do that. I am not ready. I just want to kiss.”
The best approach is always to be clear and definite. Being
vague doesn’t work. Many men hear a clear invitation to
62 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.