keep advancing when a woman says, “I don’t know. Maybe
we should wait.” He will continue until he gets a clear no. Just
as a man needs to be respectful of a woman’s boundaries, a
woman also needs to consider the messages she is giving.
When a man is touching a woman, moving his hand away
to say no is generally misinterpreted as “Not yet; I am not
ready.” If she means “Don’t do that again tonight,” then she
needs to say that with words. If he doesn’t respect that first
no, then she needs to immediately get up and leave. She can
be polite and also be clear about setting that boundary. She
could just get up and say, “I really like you, but I am not ready
for this.” Then she should go home, or at least to another room.
WHEN WAITING TO GET INVOLVED IS A MISTAKE
Without a clear understanding of how to say no and set limits
on how much sexual intimacy she is ready to share, a woman
may not bother dating until she meets a man that she doesn’t
have to say no to. She waits to meet Mr. Perfect. She decides
to refuse dates and not flirt until she feels right away that a
man is right for her.
Mary shared these feelings: “For me the most difficult part
of breaking up is knowing that I will have to once again un-
dress in front of another man.”
Although she was just being funny, she had given up. Mary
didn’t feel comfortable saying no or yes to a man’s advances,
so she decided that she was going to wait to get involved. She
said, “I just can’t keep getting involved with the wrong men.
From now on I am not going to date a man unless I know he
is right for me.”
This expectation is totally unrealistic. With this attitude,
STAGE TWO: UNCERTAINTY / 63