Typical Questions of Married Couples and the AnswersQ. He is always reminding me of my past life. How do I deal with it?
A. A married couple is counselled to be historically naked before each other. That means that as much as
possible, each party must be sufficiently exposed to the other’s past. The effect of this is to avoid surprises in the
marriage. The aim, however, is not to make one despise the other and hold them to ransom because of their past. Even
Christ forgives us our numerous indiscretions hidden in our past.
It is obvious that the husband who is always holding his wife’s past before her eyes lacks confidence and would
want to hang on to that past as a means of making her feel guilty, perhaps as an antidote for his own insecurity. Do
not use your spouse’s openness to taunt, control, or manipulate her, or she will stop confiding in you.
The wife is counselled to ignore the taunting and encourage herself by the fact that Christ forgave our past. Above
all, she must pray about the situation, and continually repay her husband’s “evil” with good.
(Refer to Chapter 6 pg. 20 “Openness”; Chapter 8 pg. 28-31 “Love in Marriage––Agape”).
Q. He has a female friend I am worried about, but he seems not to care about it.
A. The issue is why the worry. Is it because you do not trust that he can take care of himself or that the
relationship is manifestly dangerous?
In any case, every husband must understand that women have instincts to smell “danger” in the air when another
woman is drawing too close.
Where there is lack of trust because there is absence of communication, these fears usually thrive. In our
counselling, each party is told that for there to be cleaving there must be a leaving. Examples of those we must leave
are close friends, especially of the opposite sex. (Refer to Chapter 6 pg. 24-26, “The God-Type of Marriage”).
Furthermore, unfaithfulness in marriage is a gradual thing. It starts with spending more time with someone not
your spouse, even on the phone.
Selfishness in the marriage creates that situation being complained of. The husband may not be getting enough
attention from the wife and therefore may be getting it somewhere else. It is the responsibility of both partners to
create a place they can both call a home. Each must think more about the other spouse’s happiness than his/hers.
Improve upon the communication and romantic life with your husband and find an appropriate time to raise the
matter for discussion in a non-confrontational and unemotional manner. Most men feel accused of infidelity when
such issues are raised, so you need to tread cautiously.
(Refer to Chapter 7 pg. 22-27, “Christian Home”; Chapter 10 pg. 37-39, “Faithfulness and Unfaithfulness in
Marriage”).
Q. He speaks to female friends late into the night on the phone.
A. Trust is very important if your marriage is going to last or to be harmonious and sweet. Suspicion is very
unhealthy. “Love...believes all things, hopes all things...” (1Corinthians 13:7). “...perfect love casts away all fears...”
(1John 4:18).
Your husband should of course be able to open up his telephone conversation to you unless he feels threatened
or accused. Husbands should also “flee all appearances of evil” and give no room for questions, as “the servant of
God should be blameless”.
A compelling need to call or engage in long, intimate conversation with the opposite sex deep into the night on a
consistent basis is questionable. Check your heart and motives carefully and sincerely. Learn to also consider deeply
the concerns of your wife––love does not insist on its own way.
(Refer to Chapter 6 pg. 20,“Openness”, Chapter 8 pg. 38-31, “Love in Marriage––Agape”).
Q. She keeps suspecting me.
A. Where this kind of suspicion is present, the explanation can be one of two things. The first is that there might
be a history of betrayal or unfaithfulness. The second might be that one party feels very insecure in the relationship.
If the issue is the first, that is trust betrayed, then the only counsel is that there must be total forgiveness from
the party who has been betrayed and the guilty party must work extra hard to regain the trust of his spouse. Don’t let
the past colour your future actions. Find and absorb appropriate Christian material on insecurity in order to be
healed.
(Refer to Chapter 8 pg. 28-31, “Love in Marriage––Agape”; Chapter 21 pg. 89-92, “Problem Solving in
Marriage”).