31 CONFIDENT SELF-TALK
If you keep on saying things are going to be bad,
you have a good chance of being a prophet.
Isaac Bashevis Singer
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Among the most pernicious phrases to be aware of are those containing
‘should’, ‘shouldn’t’ and their close relatives, ‘ought’, ‘must’, ‘got to’,
‘have to’, ‘mustn’t,’ ‘supposed to,’ etc and their negations ‘oughtn’t’,
‘mustn’t’ and so on.
If you live your life by ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’, you’re probably not
living in the real world. You have to deal with things as they are, not
how you think they should be.
There are two types of ‘should’. The first refers to you, your
achievements and your conduct. For instance:
■ ‘Ishouldbe different from how I am.’
■ ‘Ishouldbe better than I am.’
■ ‘Imustn’t....’
■ ‘To be happy I must....’
These infer that fixed rules limit your options, or that someone else is
making your choices for you. Change them to ‘I want to...’, ‘I don’t
want to...’, ‘I choose/choose not to...’, or ‘I prefer/prefer not to...’
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Make a list of all the things you think you ‘should’ do, in other words,
the rules by which you choose to live. Take each in turn and ask
yourself, ‘Why should I?’
Now rewrite your list:
■ Replacing ‘should’ with ‘could’.
■ Using the phrase, ‘If I really wanted to, I could...’
How do you feel about the items on your list now?
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