The next few sections look at the link between confidenceandself-esteemand
your relationships. It’s two-way:
■ Your relationships with others, both past and present, help determine your
confidence.
■ As your confidence and self-esteem grow, your relationships improve.
People lacking in self-esteem often measure their worth in terms of other people’s
approval. Children and adults alike are under tremendous pressure to earn
approval from others by conforming to attitudes and behaviours which are not
necessarily of their choosing. This kind of approval is not freely given for who you
are– it is conditional onwhat you do.
The most common conditions of worth relate to our:
■ Physical appearance– including style of dress.
■ Intelligence– and mode of speech.
■ Accomplishments– sporting, artistic, academic etc.
■ Money and possessions.
■ Family background.
We all want to be liked by others, and are willing to conform to some extent to
win that approval. But when we feel we must do what others want so they’ll like
us, and this becomes the main reason for our actions, we’re in grave danger of
giving away our personal power and betraying our deepest values.
Your aim, of course, is to evaluate yourself by your own criteria, knowing that
you are not what others think of you, but much more. Now you are an adult the
only person whose approval you really need is you.
(^40) Conditions of worth