‘I can’t but I have to’
One of the most damaging patterns of negative conditioning arises when children
are continually told or given the impression by intimidator or interrogator adults
that they’re no good, they’ll never make anything of themselves. ‘You do that?
Don’t make me laugh!’
Children subjected to this kind of talk grow up with no confidence and often terri-
fied of failure.
It’s even worse if they are victims of conditional love – when it is made clear, explic-
itly or implicitly, that they will only be loved if they meet the adults’ expectations:
‘Do this – or else!’ This often produces an obsession with what other people think
and winning their approval.
Worst of all is the double negative self-talk which torments an individual who,
because of their conditioning, feels driven to perform but is too afraid to try: ‘I
can’t but I have to’ is a common aloof or poor me pattern which probably accounts
for most of the failure these unfortunates experience as adults.
18 CONTROL DRAMAS