16 THENEWYORKER,OCTOBER11, 2021
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DEPT.OFFA N D O M
AMONGFRIENDS
W
olfgang Van Halen, the front
man of the band Mammoth
WVH, settled into an armchair in a
replica of Central Perk, the coffee shop
on the sitcom “Friends.” He was about
whether Eddie, who died in October,
2020, of cancer, was indeed Wolfgang’s
father. (“I’m super curious how home-
boy got a sample of my dna to test
these ‘theories,’” Wolfgang tweeted.)
Valerie Bertinelli, it turns out,
had a chance at a role on “Friends,”
as Carol, Ross’s pregnant ex-wife, but
she didn’t take the meeting. “My rea-
son was pathetic,” she wrote in her
2008 memoir. “I felt too fat to stand
next to Jennifer Aniston, Courteney
Cox, and Lisa Kudrow.” Her son un-
derstands: “We could both really use
a dose of confidence.” Van Halen has
been performing professionally since
he was fifteen, when he replaced Mi-
chael Anthony as the bassist in the
band Van Halen, touring (and later
recording) with his father, his uncle
Alex, and David Lee Roth. More re-
cently, he sang and played every in-
strument on Mammoth’s self-titled
début LP, which went to No. 1 on Bill-
boa r d ’s Top Rock Albums and Hard
Rock Albums charts.
One thing Van Halen has confidence
in: his “Friends” knowledge. “Nobody
can beat me at ‘Friends’ trivia,” he said.
Walking through the eighteen-room
Friends Experience, a warren of Insta-
gram ops, he expounded on the props
and costumes on display. For instance:
“Ross can’t find a Santa costume, so he
gets an armadillo costume to try and
teach his son about Hanukkah.”
He gravitated toward a vitrine con-
taining Phoebe’s acoustic guitar, on
which she performed the ditty “Smelly
Cat.” The headstock bore the Gibson
logo, but Van Halen was doubtful. “It
just looks like a stage prop,” he said.
He recorded a couple of tracks on the
Mammoth album with his dad’s red,
white, and black Frankenstein guitar,
a copy of which is in the National Mu-
seum of American History, in Wash-
ington, D.C.
Van Halen moved on to the gift
shop. Because the exhibition was tech-
nically closed, no one was there to work
the register. Still, Van Halen eyed a
cotton tote bearing the words “CRAP
BAG.” He explained the reference: it
involved Paul Rudd’s character, Mike,
adopting the name Crap Bag. Van
Halen said that as soon as he got back
to the tour bus he planned to go on-
line and buy one. “It’s just funny: a bagparty. At the end, Damane stands on
a table to deliver his swan song, “There’s
a Light.” (“There’s a light even in the
darkest shadow/My new life starts
when I am out those gates.”) “I was
playing with imagery of light and dark-
ness,” Morris explained. “I don’t know
if that comes across.”
Afterward, the director, Gabriel
Barre, gathered all seven actors onstage.
“We’re working with a range of tones
in this show, from crazy vaudeville to
kitchen-table drama,” he said. “People
might come out and say, ‘That didn’t
know what it wanted to be, a play or a
musical.’ Who cares! We’re telling our
story.” Kate Loprest, who plays Mor-
ris’s ex-wife, Leslie, reported that she’d
just finished an hour-long Zoom call
with the real Leslie. “She feels betrayed
by the legal system, by due process, by
all these things she and Hank had al-
ways believed in,” Loprest said, look-
ing a bit shaken. “I’m going to really
internalize that.”
Act II of “Turtle” opens with a song
called “There’s Always a Second Act,”
sung by the ensemble. The song is re-
prised later, in a number called “New
York Tough,” by a villainous ex-gover-
nor. (“They won’t try to impeach/’Cause
I’ll be off at the beach/Buying time
for my second act.”) “I do think he’s
gonna run again,” Morris said, of
Cuomo. “He’s like a banana-republic
dictator hiding out in the hills, biding
his time.” Meanwhile, Morris has an-
other idea for a musical: the life of Al
Sharpton. “I’ve known him for years,”
Morris said. “He’s got an amazing char-
acter arc, and he certainly likes the
spotlight. We could be working on it
right now if he would just return my
fucking calls.”
—Andrew Marantz
Wolfgang Van Halento embark on a private, off-hours tour
of the Friends Experience, an “inter-
active celebration” of the show, in Gram-
ercy Park. (Tickets usually start at forty-
five dollars.) Van Halen was dressed all
in black: shorts, T-shirt, a Mammoth
hoodie, and two masks. Despite being
the son of the late guitar god Eddie
Van Halen, he is an unlikely rock star.
A self-described “dork” who struggles
with anxiety, he doesn’t drink or smoke
or do drugs. “I do not have the person-
ality type required for my job,” Van
Halen said softly, hands tucked into
his sweatshirt pockets.
During downtime on the road—his
band was opening stadium shows for
Guns N’ Roses—he usually likes to play
the video game Apex Legends with his
band’s guitarist Frank Sidoris. For to-
day’s outing, Van Halen was joined by
Sidoris, Van Halen’s uncle and “con-
sigliere” Patrick Bertinelli, and seven
others. Growing up in Los Angeles,
Van Halen would often watch “Friends”
on DVD with his mom, the actress Val-
erie Bertinelli, after school. “I remem-
ber watching the finale live,” he said,
flashing back to 2004. “That makes me
feel so old.” Van Halen is thirty.
The musician, who still lives in L.A.,
said that his favorite “Friends” charac-
ter is Chandler Bing, played by Mat-
thew Perry. “Chandler is one of the
main reasons I’m a sarcastic person,”
Van Halen said. He offered, as evidence
of his sarcasm, his Twitter account, on
which he enjoys sparring with trolls,
such as JokersWild45, who questioned