THENEWYORKER,OCTOBER11, 2021 29
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
A
s the mom of four boys, two dogs,
and a budding anxiety disorder, I
know how hard it can be to provide
your family with nutritious dinners that
are also tasty, eco-conscious, cookbook-
cover-worthy, and affordable. But be-
cause of misogyny built into the very
fabric of our society, I’m somehow ex-
pected to! That’s why I like to meal-
plan—to set myself up for success each
week. Disclaimer: Success varies greatly.
Typically manifests as failure.
Before we dive in, I know you’re
wondering, Are we supposed to just
go about our everyday lives and pre-
tend that the collective trauma of a
seemingly endless pandemic, the near-
overthrow of our democracy, and ir-
reversible damage to our climate isn’t
real? Also, do you have vegan options?
Yes and yes!
GROCERY LIST: First things first—is
it safe to shop in person, or should I
still get groceries delivered? What a
great, unanswerable question! Luck-
ily, all these meals can be made with
basics from your pantry, unless, of
course, your definition of “basics” is
boxed wine and a pallet of family-sized
hand sanitizer. Quick veggie-drawer
hack! Wrap your greens in a tea towel
to keep them crisp longer. Death and
decay are inevitable, but wasting aru-
gula doesn’t have to be.
MONDAY: Start the week off strong
with an easy, vegetarian three-bean chili.
All you’ll need is one pot, eight ingre-
dients, thirty minutes, and a health-
insurance plan that at least partially
covers cognitive-behavioral therapy.
Eco-tip! Use reusable bowls, utensils,
and straws, but somehow never wash
them because that wastes water. It’s a
real Catch-22, which is a book you know
well since you had to teach it to your
kids in remote school last year.
TUESDAY: Normally, Tuesday would be
burger night, but there was an alt-right,
anti-mask, pro-horse-dewormer rally
outside the grocery store today, so you
couldn’t pick up buns. Then, on the way
home, you listened to a podcast about
how the industrial meat industry is de-
stroying the Amazon rain forest. All of
this might sound like a setback, but it’s
actually a set-back-to-the-drawing-
board. Serve veggie burgers wrapped in
lettuce, call the French fries “pommes
frites,” and boom! You’ve got yourself a
healthy, classy dinner. Fruit for dessert.
WEDNESDAY: O.K., the kids are still
pretty mad about the whole fruit-for-
dessert thing. No better way to rebound
than with a tuna noodle casserole. I
recommend a couple of tweaks: sub
ground turkey for tuna because tuna is
high in mercury, and you can’t afford
to damage your kids’ brains any more
than constant exposure to screens al-
ready has. Sub zoodles for noodles, sub
yogurt for mayo, and then sub the whole
thing for pizza because, what the hell,
you’re pretty sure the kids love their
dad more anyway.
THURSDAY: You know those videos in
which perfectly manicured moms use
multicolored batter to make fun car-
toon-character pancakes for their de-
lighted children? You don’t know how
to do that. Sandwiches.
FRIDAY: T.G.I.F.! Which in this house
stands for “Thank God I (bought) Fro-
zen dinners!” Did you know that you
can eat frozen dinners for breakfast and
lunch, too? It’s true! Plus, your kids will
get a decade’s supply of sodium. For
dessert, hand each kid a hatchet, shove
them all outside, and lock the doors.
Foraging for dessert has a fun make-
your-own-sundae vibe and will be a
necessary skill in the afterscape. Bonus:
this also counts as family game night!
SATURDAY: Pull out some cereal and
sniff the milk. Since time is meaning-
less, it’s breakfast-for-dinner night!
This one requires almost zero prep,
which gives you a few minutes to re-
f lect on how the labor of creating a
meal plan and doing all the budgeting,
shopping, and cooking takes away from
your ability to do other things, like star-
ing at a wall. Hmm, that wall looks
pretty dirty! Better clean it while re-
membering the birthdays of every
member of your immediate and ex-
tended family.
SUNDAY: Time to start planning for
next week! Because the weeks never
end! They just roll on, oblivious of our
attempts at stackable food-storage solu-
tions or our efforts to eat the whole
rainbow every day. Yet we continue the
strange performance of “planning,” as
if playing a sonata on the deck of the
Titanic. A futile attempt at control as
we slip through chaos into darkness and
maybe, finally, into peace. Taco night!
THE STRESS-FREE
FAMILY MEAL PLAN
BY KATESIDLEY
