The Washington Post - USA (2021-10-26)

C4 EZ RE THE WASHINGTON POST.TUESDAY, OCTOBER 26 , 2021

ACROSS

1 Conservatives’

foes, briefly

5 Word with run

or drive

9 More than

nudge

14 Inactive

15 Muppet who

doesn’t use the

pronoun “I”

16 One faking it

17 Frame of mind

18 Landed

19 Student’s

measuring stick

20 *Island known

for its bars?

22 Windshield

shades

23 Homer’s

neighbor

24 Thrill

26 Part of a play

29 __ de plume

31 Polar masses

35 *Tom Sawyer’s

creator

38 In a wistful way

39 Soft French

cheese

40 Dunks, Blazers

and Jordans

42 Corned beef

specification

43 Happening

45 *Highest peak

in the Alps

47 Bureaucratic

sticking points

49 Sign of a sellout

50 __ Vegas

51 Slides

uncontrollably

53 Not online,

for short

55 Best of the hits

58 What the

answers to

starred clues

are, in different

ways

63 Opera solos

64 Steep rugged

cliff

65 Indianapolis

NFLer

66 Linguistic group

that includes

Zulu

67 Bee home

68 Green smoothie

green, perhaps

69 Somnology

study

70 Mellowed

in a cask

71 Winter fall

DOWN

1 Peruvian

capital

2 Adored

singer, say

3 Voting unit

4 Family car

5 Remove, as the

wall in Reagan’s

demand to

Gorbachev

6 Jazzy Fitzgerald

7 Ty ra Banks

portmanteau

for happy

peepers

8 Little one

9 Little ones

10 Obsolescent

doctor visit

11 Viking trading

post now a

world capital

12 Zig or zag

13 Boots the ball

21 Camper’s

quarters

22 Little sucker?

25 Bedding

26 “Waves of

grain” color

27 Slice the turkey

28 Tr ue partner

30 Badly injured

32 “It’s __!”: “Sold!”

33 Opening strategy

34 Lip-__: mouths

the words

36 Campus setting

for Neil Young’s

“Ohio”

37 When repeated,

classic New

Orleans refrain

41 Like guitars

and sitars

44 Starts to learn,

as a hobby

46 Delivered

48 ATM user’s

need

52 Parsley piece

54 Doesn’t have

55 Bar bills

56 Spoken

57 Tree with cones

59 House

overhang

60 Gripe

61 Cockney

greeting

62 Ragout or

goulash

64 Half a Latin

dance

LA TIMES CROSSWORD By Daniel Sweren-Becker and Daniel Nussbaum

MOND AY’S LA TIMES SOLUTION

© 2021 Tribune Content Agency, LLC. 10/26/21

ACROSS

1 Yellow __

4 Keen

8 Best Actress

Oscar winner

before

Hepburn’s last

such award

14 Wong of
“American
Housewife”
15 Elaborate
theater
17 Yank

18 Green juice
source

19 Aptly
nicknamed
section of D.C.’s
Massachusetts
Avenue
21 Campus
cadet org.
22 Sniffish sort

23 Research
outpost
co-developed
by NASA

24 Rural expanse
25 Hoaxes perpe-
trated by IRS
impostors

29 Not right
31 Sedimentary
rock, from the
Greek for “egg”

33 French toast part
34 Exposes

37 Olds until 19 99
39 Deep animosity

40 Show defer-
ence, in a way

42 “Law & Order”
actor Jeremy

43 Lawless
47 Wile E. Coyote’s
supply
48 “The Dutch
House” author
Patchett

50 Actress Chaplin
51 “Ri-i-i-ght”

53 Test subjects
57 Frank Sinatra
School of the
Arts co-founder

59 Tennis unit
60 Many a super-
hero adaptation
61 Sully

62 Voiced
63 First-class seat,
often
64 “It’s a hit”
letters

DOWN

1 Cutting-edge

2 Barnard grad,

e.g.

3 Walmart

adjective

4 Hornets of

the ’70s

5 Knoxville-based

SEC athletes

6 “Hurlyburly”

Tony winner

Judith

7 Anne Frank, say

8 Gushes

9 Rave’s opposite

10 Tiger or Twin,

briefly

11 State name in

a James Ta ylor

classic

12 Beat reporters?

13 Accessories

that preserve

your access

16 1961 space

chimp

20 Popular vodka

brand

26 Vodka drink,

briefly

27 Teléfono

greeting

28 Artistic dynasty

29 Late bloomer

30 Shoplifter’s

concern

32 B-school course

34 Snack that

comes in

Rounds and

Tr iangles

35 Pennsylvania’s

__ University,

home of the

Fighting Scots

36 Work with

taps, maybe

38 Where RFK

got his LLB

41 Met

unexpectedly

44 Lifting things

45 Engaged

46 Julián __,

HUD secretary

under Obama

48 Broker

49 Meryl Streep

and Amy

Adams played

them in “Doubt”

(2008)

52 “Rack City”

rapper

54 Noble gas

55 To be, in

Toulouse

56 “Back __!”

58 Storage unit

LA TIMES CROSSWORD By Jamey Smith

FRIDAY’S L A TIMES SOLUTION

© 2021 Tribune Content Agency, LLC. 10/23/21

EDITOR’S NOTE: The crossword puzzle from Saturday, Oct. 23, is reprinted below left because a production error obscured some of the clues and the previous day’s solutions.

they get defensive. “We

appreciate X and Y. We do not

appreciate it when you make

changes to our home without

asking first.” That’s a b oundary,

and crossing it means any

resulting hard feelings are not

your fault, they’re the crossers’

fault for crossing the boundary.

They can howl all they want

about how ungrateful you are;

you will know you said thank you

for X a nd Y and objected only to

Z, no matter how much they twist

it to serve their own emotional

ends.

That is the solution: believing

this is true and letting the rest of

the consequences follow from

there, without trying to prevent

example. When my husband or I

bring up a grievance, they

become defensive and suggest we

don’t appreciate any of the things

they do. My husband agrees this

is an issue, but stalls at a s olution.

What can we do?

— In-Law

In-Law: Hold your ground when

Adapted from an

online d iscussion.

Dear Carolyn:
You once advised
to tre at an
unwelcome
attraction “as a
cue to seek more
pleasure, just non-
adulterously. Something tactile,
maybe — a pet, a craft — or
physical, like dance or yoga.” Well,
I have a spouse who is incapable
of having any physical intimacy,
and dogs, and yoga classes. And
all I have left is emptiness and
resentment and a goal of not
dumping care for my spouse on
the kids. I have absolutely
nothing to look forward to in my
life. Dogs and yoga. Right.
— Missing A ffection

Missing Affection: Oka y, so you
need something different.
It’s still wise to start small, and
non-disruptive, to find out
whether that’s enough.
When you learn it isn ’t, then
you try a bigger next step, to see if
that works. Therap y, say. Or open

arrangement, or separation

agreement. With each step you

calculate how much disruption

you’re ready to assume

responsibility for in seeking what

you need.

So you’ve started with your

“goal of not dumping care for my

spouse on the kids.” What other

options do you have for that care,

besides the kids? Can you hire it

out? Can your kids contribute

some without having to bear it

all? Do you have to remain

married to be the primary

caregiver? Those are just

examples of questions to ask in

exploring what is possible.

That’s what “emptiness and

resentment” tell us to do: Figure

out what other choices we’ve got.

And recognize it’s time to get

some official help.

Dear Carolyn: My in-laws are

lovely, helpful people who do

LOADS of wonderful things for

us. But — of course there’s a “but”

— they have a massive problem

with boundaries. Things in our

home have been altered without

asking, some permanently, for

them by backing down.

Say no to whatever you need to

say no to, and ride out the

emotional storm. As

unpleasantries go — a nd it will be

unpleasant — i t's still be tter than

letting people walk all over you

emotionally and wreck your

house and blame you for it.

Unless you actually do see their

intrusiveness as the lesser evil

than their defensiveness — w e all

make our deals, and you get to

decide which trade-off to choose.

Re: In-Laws: S ometimes, it can

be useful to agree. “You’re right,

we don’t appreciate it. Better stop

altering our home!”

— Anonymous

Anonymous: This brings me joy.

Thank you.

Write to Carolyn Hax at

[email protected]. Get her

column delivered to your inbox each

morning at http://wapo.st/gethax.

 J oin the discussion live at noon

Fridays at washingtonpost.com/live-

chats.

A caregiver-spouse struggles with feelings of emptiness and resentment

NICK GALIFIANAKIS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST

Carolyn
Hax

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