curities are just two of the forces at work contributing to this obsessive self-
centeredness. Ultimately, this narcissistic urge provides emotional discom-
fort for others, who either avoid the narcissist or stop taking them seriously.
How prevalent is this narcissistic urge? To answer, first ask yourself
about the last time you were in a conversation where the person you were
talking to could not ask enough about you. Do you remember such a con-
versation? Of course you do—if such a conversation has ever taken place.
Selflessness is in short supply, a fact that is strikingly obvious at any cocktail
party. What is not in short supply, however, is one-upmanship, or egotism,
or megalomania, or self-promotion, or what I like to call the “Clark Kent
conversation pattern” (stories designed to make you look like Superman).
In the next ten conversations you have, make mental notes on the po-
larity or central focus of these conversations. Is the other party trying to
create a polarity around you or herself? Or is the individual trying to cre-
ate equal polarities? As you observe these polarity patterns, you may feel
admiration for some people, disgust for others, but most of all, you will
move to a higher level of awareness about the polarities you are creating.
Beyond the socially acceptable but supercilious greeting, “How are you?”,
the majority of people you meet either do not know how or do not care to
make further inquiry. A clear but negative example is the jaded (and nar-
cissistic) salesman who said to me, “I’ll tell you the people I can’t handle—
the ones who, when you ask, ‘How are you doing?’, think you actually want
to hear the answer.” Obviously this man’s sales career has not been an-
chored in empathy.
Self-centeredness and self-absorption are common (in varying degrees)
to all people. Narcissism can be described as the cancer of the human psy-
che and personal relationships. It prevents the development of empathy.
Many sales professionals do not have good inquiry skills, because they sim-
ply are not interested in others.
Victor Frankl, the famed psychiatrist and philosopher, who survived im-
prisonment at Auschwitz, stated that one of the most elevated states humans
can rise to is that of “self-transcendence,” which in succinct terms means,
“finding meaning by putting the concerns of others above your own.”
In my workshops I ask, “How does it make you feel when you are trapped
with a person who dominates the conversation?” One participant quickly
replied, “Married!” On a more serious side, the answers I most often hear are
bored, angry, and frustrated, and eventually the word unimportant comes to the
surface. When you peel away the layers of the emotional onion, you find the
conversational monopolist—much like the onion—causes discomfort.
178 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE