The world is full of people who want to take credit for what others do
right, and those same people want to blame somebody else for everything
they do wrong—which is the root of many business conflicts. Take a look at
those people you work with who you just want to run away from. This sec-
ond rule often defines what is wrong. Many people, because of insecurity,
are living unconsciously by the rule, “Take the credit, give the blame.” Sit
back and observe the magic that happens when we start saying things like,
“You know this situation fell apart, and I’ve got to look in the mirror first.
I’ve got to ask myself where I screwed up. What did I neglect to look at?” If
we are going to be emotionally intelligent leaders, we’ve got to be ready,
willing, and able to take the blame for what happens on our watch.”
“When you know you’re going to be accused, accuse yourself first.”
—ANONYMOUSHerein is the magic of taking blame—it disarms our adversaries. By ac-
cusing ourselves, we remove the chief arsenal from our adversaries. We go
from a metaphorical whipping to a metaphorical self-flagellation by saying,
“I really screwed up here. Here’s where I made my mistake... .” Now we’re
emotionally disarming our adversaries. We are literally disrobing our mis-
takes, and they’re beginning to feel like, “Yeah, I agree, but hey, that’s tol-
erable, we’re all human.” Take note of the phenomena that takes place
when we accuse ourselves first. When we start saying, “Here’s where I’m cul-
pable,” all of a sudden the client says, “Well, yeah, but it wasn’t just you. I
mean, I could have done.. .” Most fights are a Ping-Pong match of, “You
did this” and “No, I didn’t do that.” Avoiding this frustration is simply a
matter of taking the blame beforeit is offered.
Alternatively, when things go right, we can say, “Yeah, I was involved, but
if you didn’t do what you’re doing and my staff didn’t do their part, this
wouldn’t have worked so well. This is a team game we’re playing here.”
Behind every great story is a team of people making it happen. When we start
uttering these beneficent words, people are drawn to us because they want
to be around secure individuals who are giving credit and taking blame.
Know When It’s an Ior a WeProblem
In potential and actual conflict situations, we must pay close attention
to the subtleties of our speech. If the problem is the result of our own mak-
ing or negligence and we say to a coworker or client, “We’ve got a prob-
lem,” we are implying that the problem is equally of their making—and
Reducing Stress in Confrontation 215