•A humble approach demonstrates that you value the relationship at
hand.By practicing these five rules of thumb in confrontation situations,
we’ll find that others are more willing to work with us. These confronta-
tional rules of thumb are emotionally intelligent methods for diffusing con-
flict situations. Too often, conflicts are intensified because of ill-advised
approaches toward resolving the problem. It is important to have a people-
smart approach to confrontation. People are more inclined to help you,
when they find a reason to like you.
LET THEM HELP YOU
The story is told of a conflict that Ben Franklin was having with a mem-
ber of the first Continental Congress. To move forward on an important
idea, Franklin needed this individual’s agreement; however, his foe would
not move even an inch.
Franklin searched for a tactic to put himself in the good graces of this
man. Franklin decided that this man needed to view him in a different per-
spective for any change to take place. He tried to think of some favor he
could do for this gentleman and then came upon this idea: “To win an-
other person over, it is best to allow them to give you a gift or favor than for
you to give them a gift or favor.” If he did a favor for the man, that favor
could easily be misconstrued as a briberous act, but if he asked this man to
do him a favor, it would only be interpreted as an act of grace.
Franklin learned that this man had in his possession a rare volume of a
book that he desired to read, so he went to his adversary and implored him
about the possibility of borrowing this rare book. The man was only too
happy to extend this favor and display a more congenial side of himself.
Once Franklin had read the book and they had discussed the author and
contents, a more friendly dialogue had been established between them.
This amicability led to a compromise that helped Franklin move his
cause forward. Ben Franklin’s example helps to affirm our chief principle
regarding confrontation, namely that people are most inclined to help you
when they find a reason to like you.
WINNING FRIENDS, NOT ARGUMENTS
Emotionally intelligent confrontation skills come down to our ability to
put relationships in their proper priority—above and beyond winning an ar-
gument or getting our way. What do we really gain by “winning” an argu-
Reducing Stress in Confrontation 219