sending messages without paying attention to the climate in which they are
delivering the message. It is kind of like standing outside and trying to have
a conversation with someone during a hailstorm. They are going to be much
more concerned with getting to safety than they are in listening to what you
have to say. When we speak to people in condescending, patronizing, de-
fensive, whining, austere, pessimistic, or otherwise negative tones, we gen-
erate a hailstorm in the limbic side of their brains, and they can barely focus
on what we are saying. They are moving toward a state of self-preservation
as soon as they pick up on the negative tone.
How aware are you of the offensive tones you deliver when you are
stressed or upset? It takes maturity to want awareness in this area of EQ. I re-
member well the time I garnered the courage to ask my wife to critique the
tones I use when I am in a negative emotional state (she didn’t have to stop
and think about it). She tactfully informed me that when I was upset, I used
a condescending tone, which would deteriorate into a sarcastic tone, which
would then cause so much offense that anything I said at that point was fu-
tile. She told me I had a tendency to “talk down” to people when upset.
This was not a pleasant message to hear, yet the awareness was a criti-
cal piece for my EQ development. I often catch myself slipping back into
this pattern—and when I do, I am grateful for my wife’s input. I remember
wondering, after my wife informed me of this tonal flaw, about how many
times I had offended her in this way and how many other people I had turned
off with this poor habit.
Take inventory of your own tonal habits. Your tone is the current in
which your message travels. Your tone can create a current like a gently flow-
ing stream or a raging flood (or any current that falls between those two ex-
tremes). Even if you think you are aware of how your tone brings offense,
ask someone who knows you well for input. They may bring a habit to light
that surprises you. Are you susceptible to tones that are:
The list of potential tonal offenses is endless, as are the opportunities
to offend. One of the great deterrents practiced by the emotionally intelli-
Seven Habits of the Emotionally Competent 249- Defensive
- Complaining
- Condescending
•Arrogant - Flippant
- Disrespectful
•Impatient
•Agitated - Bored
- Hostile
- Bitter
- Cynical
- Pessimistic
- Hopeless
•Over the top or sappy - Overly familiar
- Obnoxious
- Haranguing