ment of what is happening now with something that happened long ago,
calls it a match, and frantically demands that we react now the way we did
in the past. Goleman described it as a “sloppy circuit,” because it calls for ac-
tion before full confirmation of the facts. This is partly what we mean when
we talk about the difficulty of communicating with people carrying emo-
tional baggage.
If I were walking down the street and saw an old high school classmate,
one part of my brain would tell me who this person is, while the amygdala
would remind me that I didn’t particularly like this individual. Some peo-
ple have trouble because they advertise these emotions when they feel them
and consequently begin heating up and seeing red. When the emotional
part of our brain offers us an emotional souvenir, we need the necessary re-
straint to keep from speaking, reacting, or displaying that emotion with our
facial or body language.
THE BORDER PATROL
Now that we have identified the chief cranial culprit—the amygdala—
we need to be aware of the restraint mechanisms for keeping its influence
in check. When you get an emotional signal for an anxious, impulsive re-
sponse, one that demands immediate outlet, be assured that the amygdala
has hatched the plan. The other end of our emotional brain, however, has
a switch that dampens the fires of rage and reaction. This area is right be-
hind the forehead and is called the prefrontal lobes. I like to think of it as
the emotional brain’s border patrol—keeping offensive actions and words
in check. Maybe this is why people are often seen tapping their foreheads
when trying to regain emotional composure. They are trying to kick the
border patrol into action.
For example, a coworker walks up to you and offers an unsolicited cri-
tique of your work. Your amygdala suddenly registers all the emotions re-
lated to previous offenses from this individual and rants for you to give her
a piece of your mind right here and now. What keeps you from doing it?
The prefrontal border patrol arrests the perpetrating words or rebuttal—
often just in the nick of time—and begins to file a report on the ramifica-
tions and emotional complications such a reaction would initiate. If you
listen at this point, the report will become all the clearer as the emotional
fog begins to lift. You then display a proper and controlled response and
walk away from the offending party.
Some readers at this point are thinking, “Yeah, that sounds great. I wish
it happened that way more often. But the fact is, I often find myself saying
or doing before the border patrol can stop me.” The first key to restraint is
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