system. Or, in other words, what they say will either cool the chemical effect
or cause the pot to boil over.
THE VENTING MYTH
“In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything. In the
midst of great anger, do not answer anyone’s letter.”
—CHINESE PROVERB“One day I was playing golf with a client, and he started stewing
on the first tee box when he saw that we had a rather methodical-
looking threesome playing in front of us, and we were a twosome in
a cart. Sure enough, by the fourth hole we were waiting for them on
every shot, and they didn’t have the good sense to ask us to play
through. Finally, my client could take no more and yelled, ‘Could
we please play through!’ with his hostility barely concealed. They let
us play through, and my partner was cursing them under his breath
all the way up the fairway. After that he couldn’t hit a shot to save
his life, and the last five holes were a disaster.” —Roy G., Bank
RepresentativeIn the 1970s, venting therapy was a fad of psychology. During that time,
my family began having some problems. My parents brought us all into the
psychologist’s office where we were supposed to vent our real feelings—
which we did—and we walked out hating each other’s guts. Modern psy-
chology eventually learned a lesson that venting (as a remedy) is a fallacy.
The deception of venting, or telling someone how we really feel, comes
from its seductive effect that it doesmake us feel better for the moment.
However, venting only serves to heighten the agitated state and to increase
the adrenal poisons already coursing through the system.
Researcher Diane Tice has found that ventilating anger is actually one
of the worst ways to cool down. The outburst of rage pumps up the emo-
tional brain’s arousal, leaving people feeling more angry, not less. Tice
found that venting anger typically prolonged the mood rather than ended
it. She found that people were far more effective in confronting the of-
fending party after they had a chance to cool down.
If we speak when our anger is heightened, we put much at risk. While
we do succeed in “getting it off our chests,” we redirect these poisons to the
stomach, heart, muscles, and blood. The worst times for expression are when
we feel extreme emotions like anger. If we were all given the opportunity
68 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE