should have.. .” This gesture then gives permission to others to do the same.
Will everyone be a willing participant in this process (including the most
culpable individual)? Probably not—especially those who desperately lack
EQ. But in such a case, their culpability is readily demonstrated by their lack
of participation in the culpability contagion.
Many of the issues that stir up anger are based on miscommunication.
Communication implies that at least two individuals are involved—one per-
son intended to send a message, and another intended to receive. It does not
always go as planned. We are often distracted and hurried and do not clearly
and patiently communicate or listen to the message. This is why culpability
can often be legitimately shared in miscommunication. If someone fails to
act on our message, we must first look at the clarity of the message we sent.
SEEING THE “SPECK”
Introspection—looking at ourselves before we judge others—is the cor-
nerstone of awareness upon which restraint is founded. The famous
Biblical metaphor, about taking the log out of your eye before removing
the speck out of your brother’s eye, speaks of this sort of awareness. We can
prevent viral spirals of emotion in our lives and businesses by first asking
what role we played in contributing to the problem and, secondly, by ana-
lyzing why we allowed ourselves to become so upset. While we cannot stop
the angry thoughts from coming, we can keep them from taking up per-
manent residence. The mouth—and the discipline to focus on ameliorative
thoughts—is the steering wheel that controls the brain’s anger chemistry. As
I heard a preacher put it, “You can’t stop birds from flying overhead, but
you can stop them from building nests in your hair.”
In the next chapter, we begin to unravel the stress mess that each of us
wrestles with on a daily basis.
SELLING WITH EQ
- Delay your response until you’ve found a constructive way to re-
spond to a negative behavior or outburst. - Refuse to play the blame game. Fix the problem—instead of the
blame.
82 SELLING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE