THENEWYORKER,OCTOBER18, 2021 25
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
I
s this the U.N.? The Time Pod’s not
great with location data. Given the
diversity and the number of flags, I’m
either at N.Y.U. orientation or at the
U.N. Nod twice if I’m in the right place.
All right, here’s the hard sell: I’m
from the future. Still with me? I see
one or two handguns out, so I hope
the flashy entrance bought me a little
credibility. I’m not here to talk about
nukes. They’re an existential problem,
but people like you can keep a stand-
off going for a long time.
Wait, did that seem haughty? I don’t
want to sound haughty. The archives
indicate that that’s why you ignored
climate warnings. Which is insane,
but—damn it! I did it again.
Never mind. Starting over.
WOW, THE U.N.! Nice to meet you. Hav-
ing a job here, as you all do, is just as
impressive as being from the future.
Which I am. Now that we’re acquainted
and no one’s looking down on anyone,
let’s talk about climate change: Help.
For my people, this isn’t abstract. It’s
dead crops, water wars, and moisture
suits that recycle every body fluid. If
you don’t believe me, smell me. About
the water wars: the current winner isn’t
in the G-20. Nor is it any of the other
nations present. He’s a warlord called
SteelHeart the Oppressor, and he didn’t
pick the name. If you’re a “status quo”
type, consider that a small nudge.
O.K., I’m feeling the vibe change.
There are a lot more pistols pointed at
me this time. Maybe I went too neg-
ative? Let’s try this again.
HEY, PEOPLE! I’m here from the future
to give you a compliment sandwich. I
have a small critique, but you deserve
to hear what a great job you’re doing.
Focus on the positive.
First off, your era produces excel-
lent media. I’m not blowing smoke. I
volunteered because I love the culture.
I studied all the classics: “Saddles of
Flame,” “Plato’s Cave with Bullets,” and
“Furious 7.” Hollywood may be under-
water, but Dominic Toretto lives on.
That said, you’re killing us and
yourselves by flaying our only habit-
able planet.
Finally, the air-conditioning in
here’s nice. Where I come from, A.C.
is reserved for SteelHeart, his armies,
and his harems. Mercy is a memory.
Sometimes we resist on purpose, just
to enjoy the cool air of the punish-
ment mines.
Oh, God, am I choking? I’m chok-
ing. Just like in “9 Kilometre.”
HEY, SHOULDN’T I run into myself doing
this? I expected three of us onstage,
giving the same speech. This must prove
something about the nature of time,
but that’s above my pay grade.
Please get rid of the cows.
GUYS! I brought a visual aid this time.
As you know, a megadeath represents
a million fatalities. This line graph mea-
sures annual megadeaths from hurri-
canes, dehydration, water wars, and
raiders in hockey masks. As I said, your
movies are pretty on point.
You’ll notice an exponential increase,
which raises a natural question: How
are there any people left to kill? The
answer’s simple: chaos and overpopu-
lation go hand in hand. You’re not look-
ing at the death of the human race. Just
the death of the human dream.
I see some stressed-out faces. Luck-
ily, I brought snacks. Please indulge. I
used half my moisture savings to bake
them. I find that sugar takes a little bit
of the edge off mass death. Most of
the time.
Anyway, great talk. I can’t wait to zip
back to the present and see a hundred
years of progress. Right?
YOU KNOW, nothing I say here matters.
Every trip resets your brains, my suit’s
bulletproof, and there’s no one here I
respect. A few thoughts:
If your God exists, it hates you. You
are failures elected by even greater fail-
ures. You have a dying culture dedicated
to celebrating itself. Reading your words,
watching your films, and hearing the
slurry you call debate have been the
most painful experiences in a lifetime
of torture. Your leadership? Mid. This
century? Mid. The word “mid”? Mid.
I despise everyone watching, in this
room or at home. Every wastrel breath-
ing the kind of clean air I’ve never tasted.
Every troglodyte pushing baby-step
solutions to a Biblical flood. You’re ticks
sucking blood from the future.
HEY! If you don’t stop climate change,
communists will take over the earth.
Or capitalists, whichever one you hate.
You’d better get on that.
I DON’T KNOW how long I’ve been doing
this. How many speeches I’ve written
and rewritten and delivered to the same
deaf audience. Unlike you, I have
learned something from it.
One theory says that history is set-
tled because all time travel has already
happened. I’d like to modify that: the
future is locked because you’re too use-
less to change. Happy Earth Day.
EIGHT FIRST IMPRESSIONS
OF A TIME TRAVELLER
BY DENNARD DAYLE
