8.6
COMMUNICATION101: DEALINGEFFECTIVELY
WITH FEELINGS AT WORK
Inspired by Stephen Covey, Dave Irvine, Jon Katzenbach, Douglas Smith, and Deborah Tannen.By the very nature of their work, leaders must help others to work through the conflicts and
difficult emotions that inevitably arise in the course of working within groups, particularly
groups that often have to struggle with time and other work pressures. This tool provides a
range of approaches and how-to’s for doing just that.
Proactive Skills:
❑ Establish ground rules early in your team’s formation. Taking preventative action is
nearly always easier than dealing with problems. [☛10.8 Ground Rules]
❑ Take time-outs to discuss how you are talking. From time to time, difficulties with com-
munication require metacommunication. [☛8.5 Metacommunicating]
❑ Recognize your biases and assumptions; be cognizant of others’ assumptions, interper-
sonal style, biases, perspectives, and cultural differences. [☛6.2 Assumption Analysis,
13.6 Attribution Theory]Listening Skills:
❑ Rephrase or summarize before reacting. Most people handle critique of their ideas bet-
ter if they feel that the other person has at least heard them. Listening is your ticket to
talk.
❑ Listen at three levels: a) content—what is being said, b) process—how it is being dealt
with, and c) emotion—the other person’s feelings about the situation. [☛8.7 Active
Listening, 8.8 Listening Techniques]
❑ Separate understanding from agreement. Understanding does not mean agreement.Feedback Skills:
❑ Feedback is usually better received when it is a) factual (use concrete examples); b) spe-
cific; c) descriptive of your own feelings (not what you thinkthe other person is feel-
ing); and d) given soon after the feedback incident. [☛12.4 Feedback]
❑ Recognize people when they say or do something you appreciate. People will accept
negative feedback better from a person who also gives positive feedback. [☛12.5
Negative Feedback]
❑ As a leader, model receiving feedback openly and nondefensively. Feedback is given in
proportion to how well it is received. Rationalizing feedback or explaining away the
behavior will usually be perceived as defensive. [☛15.6 Defenses]
❑ Praise in public; reprimand in private. Understandably, adults will defend their self-
esteem and reputation beyond all else.248 SECTION 8 TOOLS FORCOMMUNICATION