12.4
GIVING AND RECEIVING FEEDBACK:
THE DOS AND DON’TS
Inspired by Carl Rogers, Shaun Murphy, David Irvine, and numerous other sources.Feedback is fundamental to effective leadership, and a leader must be willing to take personal
responsibility for both giving and receiving difficult feedback. If you’re notgetting a lot of feed-
back from others, it may be because of how you have received feedback in the past, rather than
because others don’t have information that would be valuable to you. Conversely, if people
don’t want feedback from you, it may be related to how you have provided feedback to them
in the past, rather than because they wouldn’t find value in your perspective. [☛1.8 Recursive
Leadership]
GUIDELINES FOR FEEDBACK
372 SECTION 12 TOOLS FORLEADINGRELATIONSHIPS
Steps- Check to see if the other person is willing to hear your
feedback (e.g., an appropriate time, place). - Focus on:
−your specific observations (what you saw the other
person say or do, without interpreting or evaluating);
−the consequences of this behavior;
−your reactions to this behavior;
−things that are within the other person’s control to
change (e.g., arrive on time for the weekly meetings). - State what you want.
- Thank the other person for listening.
Dos and Don’ts
➢Describe, don’t evaluate.
➢Avoid inferences, labels, and judgments.
➢Avoid hearsay. Speak from your own experience.
➢Don’t triangulate. If a third party is to be involved,
arrange for that person to be present.
➢Don’t repeat yourself. Say it once; then listen.
➢Don’t give advice unless it’s asked for.
➢Avoid raising nonrelated issues from the past.
➢Don’t let things build. Give feedback as soon as
possible.
➢Don’t ignore the importance of timing. There are bad
times to raise certain issues.
➢Be careful about pursuing why.Doing so questions
other people’s motives, and usually results in their
becoming defensive.Steps- Listen, even if it hurts.
−Make eye contact.
−Show you’re listening by summarizing the feedback
into your own words.
−Clarify by asking for examples. - Find at least one part of the feedback that’s useful. Even
if the feedback feels incorrect, find a kernel of truth. - Thank the giver for the feedback, even if it was given
poorly. - Say what you will do with the feedback, even if it’s only
to think about it for awhile.
Dos and Don’ts
➢It’s natural and okay to feel defensive; just don’t act it.
➢Be careful about assuming motive, but if you are
convinced that the other person’s intentions are not
honorable, then walk away. Don’t subject yourself to
cheap shots.
➢Don’t discount, downplay, or deny. These actions
decrease the likelihood of getting more feedback.
➢Don’t do other activities while receiving feedback.
(Even if you’re hearing every word, your actions will be
misinterpreted.)
➢Avoid overloading yourself. When you have received all
the feedback that you can handle at the moment, let
the giver know.
➢Don’t expect to be given feedback in a thoughtful,
polite, or helpful way. Expecting this limits your
learning. The most helpful information sometimes
comes from people who give feedback awkwardly.Helping others to receive your feedback Helping others to give you feedback