The Washington Post - USA (2021-11-11)

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BY AMANDA LONG

After giving birth to her second

child in February 2020, KC Davis

keenly felt the relationship be-

tween the state of her home and

the state of her mental health. At

home with two kids under 2, bat-

tling postpartum depression and

ADD, she found herself sitting on

the floor surrounded by onesies,

toddler clothes and pajama pants,

unable to get the laundry finished,

ever. “I was living out of a basket of

clean laundry — just unable to fold

it or put it away — so I decided not

to,” said Davis, a licensed therapist

in Houston.

The relationship among our

mental health, order and cleanli-

ness — or a lack thereof — is

strong, but like most relation-

ships, it’s not simple. “We know

there’s an association, but an asso-

ciation doesn’t mean we know

that one thing causes the other,”

said Dawn Potter, a clinical psy-

chologist at the Cleveland Clinic.

The premise that one’s space

reflects one’s mental health can be

particularly defeating if you’re al-

ready in a bad place, Davis said.

Many of the symptoms of depres-

sion that make it difficult to care

for ourselves also make it difficult

to care for our homes, such as

fatigue, no or low motivation, loss

of interest in activities and diffi-

culty concentrating.

The shame of having a home

that fails to meet society’s stan-

dards can paralyze, and often si-

lence, people who need help man-

aging clutter.

“You can’t divorce feelings of

self-esteem and self-worth from

these societal expectations, espe-

cially for women, of keeping

house,” said Judith Kolberg, an

Atlanta-based professional orga-

nizer and the co-author of “ADD-

Friendly Ways to Organize Your

Life.” “It doesn’t take long in this

business for those issues to come

up and for you to notice the over-

lap between mental health and

organization.”

For someone with anxiety, cha-

os can be the enemy. When we’re

anxious, we seek control; declut-

tering and organizing provide it.

But overwhelming clutter can

make it hard to even start. And for

people with attention disorders,

there’s often too little focus — or

too much, causing them to fixate

on one thing at the expense of

others — to complete a task.

In Davis’s case, instead of beat-

ing herself up over the laundry,

she came up with a system that

worked for her and her family. She

combined her closet and the chil-

dren’s closet into one space next to

the laundry room. She eliminated

drawers and hangs just a few

items, relying instead on bins for

everyone’s clothes.

On her Struggle Care TikTok

account (@domesticblisters),

which has 1.2 million followers,

she shares small and attainable

cleaning, organizing and other

“care” tasks tailored for people

with mental health issues, neu-

rodivergence, chronic pain or

sickness. They’re also for those in

the midst of temporary life stages,

such as people experiencing grief

or trauma, those in the postpar-

tum period or people caring for

small children or another family

member. Through her book, “How

to Keep House While Drowning,”

her Struggle Care platform and

social media, Davis is trying to

divorce morality from household

chores, all while offering tips to

tackle those very chores. “You’re

not a bad person just because you

have dirty dishes in your sink,” she

said.

Allissa Haines, 46, knew she

needed to prepare her order-

seeking self before moving in with

her partner and two kids, 8 and 11

at the time — all of whom have

ADHD. Haines has experienced

depression and anxiety, and she

wanted to set up their 1,600-

square-foot bungalow in Sharon,

Mass., to work for everyone. Dur-

ing the pandemic, when everyone

was home, Haines found inspira-

tion and practical tips and work-

sheets on Struggle Care’s TikTok

account.

She and her partner built a tiny

office in the backyard where she

runs her marketing and consult-

ing practice, writes, records a pod-

cast about massage therapy and

chills out. She also set up systems

using schedules and cleaning

worksheets (strugglecare.com/

resources) and got bins and cad-

dies for toys, arts and crafts, and

school supplies. She and her part-

ner share household and parent-

ing duties. And she has learned the

power of closing the kids’ doors,

recognizing that not everyone

shares her need for order.

“I’m definitely an outer-order,

inner-calm kind of person,” she

said. “There’s this decision fatigue

that happens when things aren’t

somewhat organized.”

We asked our sources how to

cope with clutter, whether you’re

temporarily struggling and

stressed or you have chronic men-

tal and physical health challenges.

Here are their suggestions.

Jettison judgment. There’s a

reason your dishes are still in the

sink, but it’s not because you’re a

bad person. Letting go of the

shame and other people’s expecta-

tions will go a long way in making

cleaning and decluttering less tax-

ing. “You deserve kindness, re-

gardless of your level of function,”

Davis said. “I’ve never seen anyone

shame themselves into better

health.”

Start small. It’s easy to get over-

whelmed. Focus on one task at a

time, such as loading the dish-

washer. And when you do some-

thing, give yourself credit. The

smallest change, Potter said, is still

a change, and both your home and

brain benefit from forming a new

habit. Pick one that takes the least

amount of time (one load of dish-

es) or one that can have the biggest

effect in easing your day and calm-

ing your mind (clearing bathroom

counters).

Buddy up. Ask a friend to join

you for a 20-minute cleaning blitz

or an afternoon of dancing and

dusting, virtually or in person. The

goal is to fight boredom and dis-

traction and have someone on

your side in the battle. Profession-

al organizers can fill this role, too,

as can productivity apps, such as

FocusMe.

Reframe obligations as self-

care. Davis assigns herself the

same five tasks each night to “close

her kitchen,” knowing she’ll wake

up the next morning thanking the

person who did the chores the

night before. “It’s my way of caring

for future me,” she said. Be sure to

put a time limit on it and “clock

out,” ending your housework shift

with a hard stop and giving your-

self permission to take the rest of

the night for yourself.

Closing rituals are key for home

offices, too, said Catherine Avery, a

productivity and ADHD coach.

She advises ending your workday

with three steps, which should

take no more than five minutes:

1. Clear your desk.


2. Write down three wins of the
   day, including one act of self-care.
   This reflection is particularly im-
   portant for those with ADHD, she

said, because “we often hurry off

to the next thing without noticing

we’ve accomplished something.”

3. Write down three goals for
   the next day.
   Break it down. Kolberg advises
   clients with attention deficit dis-
   orders to organize items visually.
   If tackling a room is too much,
   divide it into zones and pick one
   (or more) that you have the time
   and attention for, such as every-
   thing above your shoulders, below
   your knees or in one corner.
   Davis’s most popular video is of
   a tidying method that approaches
   each room as having only five cate-
   gories: trash, dishes, laundry,
   items that have a place and items
   that don’t have a place. Once trash
   is in the bin, dishes are in the sink,
   laundry is in the basket and items
   with a home are put away, you’re
   left with a more manageable pile.
   Only have time for two tasks? Fo-
   cus on safety and sanitation:
   dirty dishes and items that can
   trip you up.
   Close the door. “If it’s not a case
   of rotting food, if it’s not creating a
   physical hazard, and it’s just dis-
   tracting, get it out of sight and out
   of mind,” Potter said.
   Open the conversation. S har-
   ing spaces with others? Talk to
   them about how to best share
   tasks. The key is to focus on what
   works for each person and how
   their habits affect the household.
   If clutter and cleaning (or lack
   thereof) affect relationships, they
   can’t be ignored. Make it clear
   who’s doing what, perhaps by
   posting a chore chart.
   Rest. Remember: You’re not a
   machine. “People forget that an
   important part of being produc-
   tive is not being productive all the
   time,” Kolberg said. Take breaks.
   Being constantly on the go isn’t
   the same as getting anything done,
   especially if it’s at the cost of your
   mental and physical health. The
   body and mind need rest to recov-
   er. Those messes will be there for
   you to tackle when you have the
   energy.
   Perfection? Pitch it. Shift the
   focus to function rather than per-
   fection. The purpose of laundry is
   having clean clothes, not a closet
   ready for a Container Store photo
   shoot. Ask yourself before diving
   into a project: What do I need out
   of this? (A path through the teen’s
   bedroom? A clear entryway?)
   Then let yourself stop when you
   reach that attainable goal. “Good
   enough is perfect. It’s not settling,”
   Davis said.
   [email protected]

 F or more stories about

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Getting organized when you have ADHD or mental health issues

IRIS VAN DEN AKKER FOR THE WASHINGTON POST

“You deserve kindness,

regardless of your level

of function. I’ve never

seen anyone shame

themselves into better

health.”

KC Davis, a licensed therapist

in Houston