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2021‘obesity epidemic’ these past two years,”
many of her research participants feel
compelled to “emerge [from the pandemic]
fully formed as this thinner, better person.”
As a result, they’re reporting increased
anxiety.
No matter how well-intentioned diet
talk is, the assumption that thinner is
better can be “incredibly hurtful,” Mer-
cedes says. Comments such as, “You look
great. Have you lost weight?” can be
painful reminders, particularly for women,
that you’re “being constantly looked at,
judged, objectified,” says Jessi Kneeland,
an online body-image coach based in
North Carolina.
“Anything that moralizes weight or food
behaviors or body shape or size has a way of
causing harm,” Kneeland says. Family
members might mention their own choic-
es, such as, “I’m being good, so I’m skipping
the pie.” But that sends a powerful mes-
sage: “Morality is attached to body shape,
size, and food and eating behaviors.” If your
mom thinks she’s “good” for avoiding
dessert, Kneeland says, it’s only natural
that you would ask yourself whether you’re
“bad” for enjoying your meal, including all
the sides and sweets, without worrying
about it. And talking about food and
weight in terms of “good” and “bad” — even
if it’s just your own — tells people in larger
bodies, “I don’t want to look like you.”
Like many, Mercedes is more focused on
developing self-compassion than chiseled
abs. “As easily as we can learn to hate
bodies and treat them badly and make
them smaller,” she says, “we can also learn
to do things in a different way.”
So what can a person who just wants to
enjoy a Thanksgiving meal without judg-
ment do? There’s no one-size-fits-all ap-
proach to handling diet talk with friends
and family. Read on for advice from ex-
perts. Which strategies you choose will
depend on your comfort level and relation-
ship dynamics.
Manage expectations
You’re not going to persuade anyone to
ditch their diets or burn their scales. And
that shouldn’t be your goal, says Lauren
Muhlheim, a Los Angeles-based psycholo-
gist specializing in eating disorders. “Not
everyone can get on board, and not every-
one’s going to understand.”
Instead, she says, your objective should
be to protect yourself when the conversa-
tion inevitably turns to food and bodies.
That could mean leaving the room, con-
fronting the issues head-on or anything in
between — whatever you can handle.
Many of Kneeland’s clients are pleasant-
ly surprised by how receptive their friends
and family are to their concerns. “Most
people are more able to learn and grow
than we give them credit for,” she says.
Find support
Go into the holiday season with a sup-
port system. Whether it’s an online com-
munity, a friend you can text or a family
member you can make subtle eye contact
with when Aunt Sally starts talking about
her diet, having an ally who understands
your frustrations can be hugely helpful,
Kneeland says.
Also, “make sure you build in time for
yourself,” Muhlheim advises. Before the
day of the meal, engage in self-care, such as
meditating, going for a walk or prioritizing
sleep, which can help you show up fully
resourced — and can take some of the edge
off. If you’re staying with family and it’s in
your budget, consider renting a car to avoid
feeling trapped.Ignore or step away
Creating boundaries around diet talk
doesn’t necessarily mean confrontation.
“No one is obligated to meet these com-
ments head-on,” Muhlheim says. When the
conversation turns to weight loss, try
low-key strategies, such as tuning out,
heading to the kitchen to refill your water
glass or changing the subject.Reframe your thinking
Although many people are open to new
ideas, some just aren’t. “Some people are
committed to not understanding, disagree-
ing,” Kneeland says, “and they’re going to
be defensive.” If you’re uncomfortable be-
ing direct and the situation feels too
intense to ignore, consider shifting your
focus.
Looking at the bigger picture and think-
ing about what you’re grateful for can help,
Muhlheim says. “Appreciating being with
family sometimes can take the focus off the
minutiae of the comments.”
And if you end up soothing your anger or
sadness with food, see it as “feedback, not
failure,” she adds. In other words, one
binge doesn’t mean you should ditch intui-
tive eating and go on a diet immediately.
Instead, notice that you binged because
you were mad at your mother, and remind
yourself: It’s just one meal.Have a response ready
“If you have the capacity and they’re a
person who is at least willing to listen, just
start having conversations about why
you’re doing what you’re doing,” Kneeland
says.
To avoid coming off as preachy (and to
up your chances that the person will
actually listen), talk about what’s working
for you as opposed to what’s right for
everyone. To keep nerves from interfering
with your message, plan what you’ll say in
advance. One example: I learned a lot from
Christy Harrison’s book, “Anti-Diet,” and
now I’m trying to avoid thinking of food in
terms of “good” and “bad.”
Muhlheim suggests responding to diet
talk with, I’m choosing to focus on grati-
tude this holiday and not depriving myself,
or, I’m here to enjoy this wonderful meal
with people I care about. I’m trying to step
away from diet and body talk.Chaya Milchtein, a self-described fat
automotive educator and journalist, says
her grandmother often remarks on how
much better Milchtein looked when she
was thinner. Milchtein typically responds
by reminding her grandmother that she’s
“living a great life in the body I’m in right
now.” Although Milchtein knows her re-
sponse won’t fully change her grandmoth-
er’s thinking, she’s hoping to plant a few
seeds.Set a clear boundary
When you’re dealing with a close friend,
relative or someone you see regularly, the
best — and most challenging — approach
could be an honest conversation about
your boundaries. You might feel “as though
a lion is chasing you,” Kneeland says,
adding: “It’s okay for this to be so hard. You
learned for good reason that it’s not safe to
have these conversations or to live in this
body or to behave or engage in these ways.”
Keep the focus on your needs and your
feelings, Muhlheim says. You might try
something such as: Talk about dieting or
bodies is really hard for me (or harmful for
me). Can we agree that you won’t comment
on people’s bodies (or my body) or on what
I’m eating?
These conversations can be risky, but
they’re often worth it. Muhlheim says
many people find that their loved ones are
supportive. And by making yourself vul-
nerable, you can potentially deepen the
relationship. “So, so much goodness can
come out of that,” Kneeland says.
Speaking up can be empowering, even
when the conversation isn’t well-received.
After years of unwelcome comments about
her weight, Mercedes, the graduate stu-
dent at Brown, asked her family member to
stop commenting on her body. When they
repeatedly failed to respect her request,
she cut off contact. Although it’s “rough” to
be out of touch, “if I continue to try and
force this relationship when it makes me
miserable,” Mercedes says, “this isn’t really
worth it.”
Ditching diet talk gives everyone a chance
to enjoy a holiday gathering without shame
— which leaves more room for connection.
“If we decide to put aside this endless parade
of bad things to say about our body, our
eating habits, especially for something like
Thanksgiving,” Mercedes says, “we can actu-
ally enjoy that moment with our loved ones
and with ourselves more.”
[email protected]Pam Moore is a freelance writer, weight-neutral
health coach, occupational therapist and
certified personal trainer. She’s also the host of
the “Real Fit” podcast, featuring conversations
with women athletes on body image,
confidence and more. W ellness newsletter Go to
washingtonpost.com/wellness to subscribe to
our email newsletter, delivered every
Wednesday.
CHANELLE NIBBELINK FOR THE WASHINGTON POST“Anything that moralizes weight or food behaviors... has a way of causing harm.”
Jessi Kneeland, an online body-image coach based in North Carolina