15
DCthe
washington
post
.
thursday,november
11
,
2021Family
lamb. How should I
approach this? For the
record, my child is almost
always game to see their
cousin, but then my child is
also almost always the one
who ends up crying at the
end of the play date.A: I don’t know whether it was
by chance or kismet, but I
happened to be reading Nedra
Glover Tawwab’s book “Set
Boundaries, Find Peace” when I
saw your note. I have been
thinking about boundaries a lot
lately: with ourselves, within our
relationships and especially in
parenting. And when you wrote
this long note about the myriad
troubles with your nephew, your
brother and your brother’s wife,
I immediately thought of
boundaries.
To begin, meltdowns,
destructive behavior, threats and
lying are signs of a deeply
discouraged child. I feel for your
nephew; whatever is happening
(or not) in his home, he has
some serious unmet needs.When it comes to boundaries,
you can handle yourself as an
adult, but the cats and children
are another story.
As Tawwab writes, one of the
primary boundaries that must
be kept is a physical one, and in
this case, you cannot guarantee
your cats’ safety, let alone your
child’s. This is a boundary that
cannot be crossed. The pain of
setting a boundary like this, with
your brother and his wife, will
be real. “I am not comfortable
with how my nephew hurts the
cats or is explosive with the
children. We cannot continue
having play dates at my house.”
Tawwab also writes about
another important boundary:
the emotional boundary. This
boundary is crossed when your
brother coddles his child while
punishing yours. Your brother is
overstepping his bounds and
dismissing the needs of other
children. And worse? He
emotionally punished them for
their honesty about candy being
stolen. “I am not okay with you
punishing my child, and on top
of that, ignoring your own
child’s mistakes and threats.”
To add, your nephew is
crossing another boundary: thematerial boundary (when he
stole candy). All children are
learning, and they will make
mistakes. They lose patience,
throw fits, tell small lies, steal
small items and “tell on” kids,
but what you’re describing is a
deeper problem. Your brother
and his wife are violating your
boundaries up and down, and it
is not okay.
Because this is family and not
a neighbor or a school friend,
this is a little more complicated.
Your nephew isn’t going away, so
you are going to have to create
and hold on to your boundaries.
It may sound simple, but it can
be quite scary to decide to
uphold boundaries when you
have been in a relationship
where you have been pushed
around, maybe for years. You are
changing a dynamic that has
been in play for a long time, and
yes, your brother and sister-in-
law may not appreciate your
setting of boundaries. We can
guess that there will be
pushback, deep offense taken
and maybe even threats to cut
ties.
But setting boundaries isn’t
meant to punish others; it’s
meant to keep you feeling safe inyour own body and mind, so as
long as you uphold your
integrity, compassion and
strength, the discomfort will be
theirs, not inflicted upon them
by you.
And although this will be
hard, you can still make
attempts to see them in a more
neutral setting. Going to parks,
hiking and participating in more
controlled activities may be the
way to break up this dynamic
between the children.
You must also be prepared to
uphold your boundaries
elsewhere, too. Yes, you are
doing this for yourself, but you
are also doing this for your
child, and you are
demonstrating what healthy
boundaries look like. You are
acting in your child’s best
interests, even when it comes to
family. Good luck. Also at washingtonpost.com
Read the transcript of a recent live
Q&A with Leahy at
washingtonpost.com/advice, where
you can also find past columns. Her
next chat is scheduled for Nov. 24. Send parenting questions to
Leahy at [email protected].BY MEGHAN LEAHYQ: I have a question about
my child and my nephew,
both 8. My nephew has
always been a challenging
child, and I feel for my
brother and his wife.
However, we have slowly
almost eliminated having
them to our house because
of his behavior.
He is destructive, cruel to
our cats and constantly has
tantrums or causes huge
eruptions with the other
children. If I interrupt his
behavior, he accuses me of
lying, and my brother takes
the position that he can’t be
sure what happened,
because he didn’t see it.
On the rare occasion
when our nephew is
corrected by his parents, he
loses his computer
privileges, which is the only
punishment that matters to
him, and he storms around
threatening everyone (“I’m
gonna get you!”). My child
says that, if they object to
his behavior, their uncle
and aunt will coddle my
nephew and punish them.
An example: My nephew
got caught stealing candy
and, when told, my sister-
in-law gave my nephew
more candy and told my
child that they didn’t get
any for telling on him.
The problem is my
brother thinks the kids
should have frequent play
dates, because my nephew
doesn’t have other friends.
I appreciate that this poor
kid is struggling, but I don’t
think that requires my
child to be the sacrificial
ON PARENTING
Our nephew is causing problems with our child. What can we do?
THE WASHINGTON POST/PRISMA FILTER/ISTOCK