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.thursday,
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11,
2021DC16
Family
with. They’re in therapy, but
they hate that, too. Dad says
they are a little sad with him,
but that he’s not seeing the
depression/acting out that I’m
seeing. I’m glad my kid sees me
as a safe person to share
emotions with, but it’s hard to
know how best to respond.
A: I’m sorry, this is a hard time.
This is a really big transition for
your 10-year-old, but here is
some good news: They are
talking to you. They’re crying
and talking and letting some of
this out. When those feelings
stop coming out, I would start
to get really worried.
And yes, this sounds like
depression, and the food
restriction and isolation are red
flags.
I’m going to suggest family
counseling, and if your child
won’t go, I want you and your ex
to seek out a therapist to work
with together. Your ex may not
“see” what is happening, but it
is, and a plan needs to be
developed for your shared child.
I also like family counseling,
because your child needs a safe
space to express their needs,
anger and fear with the
guidance of another adult who
can support them. Your ex isn’tdoing anything wrong by
remarrying, but your child is
allowed to have their feelings
about it.
I would also get them outside.
Hiking, horseback riding,
skateboarding, ice skating,
walking for food, working at an
animal shelter: Anything would
work. Bring their friends. Do
whatever you need to do. A
moving body leads to moving
emotions and healthier people.
Loop in the school that your
child is struggling. If they can
be scooped up by a loving adult
at school, that could feel like a
safety net. The school can also
become an ally when it comes to
suggesting family therapy. And
you need the support!
Also find a coach or therapist
to help you along this path. It is
easy to get panicky or to shut
down, so I would stop having
your child go to their current
therapist (if they really hate it)
and instead use that money to
get help for yourself. Good luck.Q: I need help with a crabby 5-
year-old. Mornings and right
after school are our hardest
times. I tread lightly then and
try to give her the space I know
she needs, because it’s hard tobe tired. But I am so baffled by
how she is at other times that I
feel like I have whiplash. She
has wonderful, amazing,
beautiful moments that quickly
turn into tantrums and
stubbornness. I’m wondering
whether she’s exhausted from
school, not napping, learning
and playing. I’m struggling to
find the fine line between
granting her grace to feel her
feelings because I think she’s
tired and not allowing awful
behavior. How can I move
forward with her without the (I
believe) necessary things being
a fight?
A: There are many things I don’t
know here, but I am interested
in her blood sugar levels. Have
those checked, and toy around
with protein, fats and carbs. Call
your pediatrician. Waking up in
the morning really crabby could
be helped by a more careful diet.
And yes, she is exhausted. She
is giving her best self away at
school, and she doesn’t have
much left for you. This is not a
willpower issue. It is what it is,
especially if she is a sensitive or
intense child.
If you fight her, it will not go
well. If you give in or give up,
you are abdicating your power,Parenting coach and colum-
nist Meghan Leahy answered
questions recently in an online
chat. Here is an edited excerpt.Q: Do you have any tips on how
to have a smooth transition
from an at-home nanny to day
care for my 15-month-old? The
anxiety is real!
A: You bet it is! Let’s accept that
your anxiety is real and not
dysfunctional or “wrong.” Treat
yourself gently, with care and
with deep compassion. If you do
that, you will not hold yourself
to unrealistic standards, which
also goes for the day care.
There will probably be tears
(from you and the baby), and
this will be hard (back up to
treating yourself with
compassion). Have a friend,
partner or loving person to call
and cry to when you get in the
car. Make sure this person has
soothing tones and assures you
that everything will be okay and
that you’re doing a good job.
To help the process along,
allow for more time than you
need, but don’t dawdle or
overstay at day care, because
this will prolong the crying.
Create a morning drop-off
routine that includes special
hugs, a lovey and an assurance
that you will see your child at
the specific pickup time. This
routine will create safety.
Send in a little photo album
for your child, and have them
look at it if they’re sad. Te ars
may be shed, but that
connection is good.
And prepare for some epic
meltdowns in the evening.
Remember that your child has
spent all of their patience at day
care, so streamline your evening
to make it as simple and easy as
possible. Cuddles, floor time
and smiling are in order, not
lengthy dinners or many
commands. Those days will
come, but not right now. Focus
on keeping a calm energy and
sweet face.
Good luck. You will both
make it!Q: My 10-year-old kid’s dad and
I are divorced. Dad is getting
remarried, and he moved into
his fiancee’s house with the
fiancee and her teen. My kid is
not doing well emotionally
when they’re with me; they tell
me they hate their dad and the
fiancee, they say they’re sad,
they say they hate school and
other activities, they’re crying a
lot, and they’re restricting food.
They’re leaning more into
violent content than I’m happywhich will make her insecure
and more power-hungry.
Instead, create strong routines
that act as boundaries for your
day-to-day life.Q: My 12-year-old will hopefully
be starting a new school soon.
He’s in the midst of adolescent
awkwardness around facial
hair; namely, he has what is
close to being a unibrow and a
fuzzy mustache. We haven’t
addressed either with him,
because we want to follow his
lead, but I worry he could be
teased if we let him start school
with a unibrow. Before this, he
had been in school with
basically the same kids since he
was 4, so he has never had to be
the new kid. Should we ask him
about whether he has noticed
his facial hair and wants to
address it, or should we wait for
him to say something to us?
A: Bite your tongue. I know it’s
hard, but try to refrain from
saying anything. The most you
could do is say, “Want to get a
haircut for your first day of
school?” Then leave it at that.
Some cultures will wax their
kids without their consent, and
some will say, “Let’s do
something about that,” or, “A re
you okay with that?” I don’t
judge this at all; this is what
generations of parents have
done. And if this is your family,
go ahead!
However, this is not a crisis; I
am always cognizant of the line
between caring and shaming,
and I prefer to simply allow life
to play out.
What will happen is that our
culture will let him know, loud
and clear, that his brows need to
be “fixed,” and he will come
home and want to discuss it.
And this is when you can offer
thoughtful questions and
responses: “Some people pluck
or wax that, and some people
don’t. What would you feel
comfortable doing?” He may not
know, and he can wait.
Just be sure to bring him to a
professional, because things can
quickly go wrong with DIY
waxing or plucking.
There are going to be a
number of times when you will
look at your son and think, “Oh,
we have to fix that,” but practice
keeping your mouth shut and
focusing on what is important:
your relationship with him. Also at washingtonpost.com
Read the rest of this transcript and
submit questions to the next chat,
Nov. 24 at 11 a.m., at
live.washingtonpost.com.PARENTING Q&ATransitioning to day care, handling crabbiness and more
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