10 Body + Soul
Reassure her that
you are there for
her and that you
are comfortable
to wait
on her or give her a deadline to “get over
it”. The emphasis needs to be on showing
empathy and understanding, not satisfy-
ing your sexual needs. It is important to
reassure her that you are there for her
and that you are comfortable to wait as
long as it takes.
If you had a good sex life before, it will
come around again in time. But what
your wife may need now is hugs, not or-
gasms. Prioritise her needs, and you
will probably discover that kind-
ness and empathy turn out to be a
much more effective form of
foreplay. Anyone who has felt
incredibly sad knows that
when a sexual partner is very
caring, the non-sexual touch
that is such a big part of being
supported through a period of
intense grief can end up leading
to physical intimacy. It is a very
different, gentler sexual experi-
ence, but it can be a hugely impor-
tant part of the healing process.
Send your questions to
[email protected]may be exacerbating her feelings of guilt.
That your wife lost her mother is also
important because research suggests that
the death of a mother tends to have a much
more profound emotional impact than the
death of a father. In 2006 Dr Elizabeth
Lawrence at the University of Nevada ex-
plored Gender Differences in Grief Reac-
tions following the Death of a Parent and
found a relationship between avoidant
coping styles, depression and grief in be-
reaved women (but not in men). However,
when the gender of the deceased parent
was examined, the death of a mother —
but not a father — was related to increased
levels of grief and psychological distress in
males and females.
The grief that people experience after
bereavement can be very isolating and
lonely, and it may seem to you that being
intimate might help her to feel less so. In-
deed, when people are very sad, intimacy
(physical and emotional) can be a hugely
important part of the healing process.
However, you need to be patient about
sex. The best — in fact the only — thing
that you should be doing right now is try-
ing to support your wife emotionally. The
worst thing you could do for her, and for
your relationship, would be to put pressureQ
My wife recently lost
her mother, to whom
she was very close.
Understandably, it has really
affected her in many ways,
one of which is that she
feels guilty having sex. She
says that’s because she’s
enjoying herself, and feels
that she shouldn’t be. I don’t
want to be disrespectful of
her grief, but I’m struggling.
What would you advise?
Suzi Godson
Sex counsel
She feels guilty
about having sex
A
It is difficult to communicate the
pain of losing a parent. Whatever
the relationship with the parent
was like, it is a seismic event for
children of every age. Death can create
feelings of existential loss that can take a
long time to recover from.
You don’t say whether your wife’s
mother’s death was sudden, but even when
death is expected, it still comes as a shock.
Grief must be able to happen at its own
pace. Sometimes a grieving person doesn’t
have any energy or desire for sex, and they
are less motivated to have it because they
don’t get the same physiological rewards
from the experience.
If your wife is struggling, missing her
mum, feeling depressed, it is not surpris-
ing that she does not feel very sexual.
Grief comes and goes in waves, and even
when people appear outwardly to be
functioning well and carrying on with
life, deep down they may still be suffering.
When feeling this way, it can be difficult
to surrender to the pleasure that comes
with sex. The fact that it may feel as
though she is depriving you of intimacy
will not be lost on her either, and thatSign up for
The Times
Wellness bulletin
Our weekly email with news
and expert advice for a healthier,
happier body and mind
thetimes.co.uk/bulletins