Body + Soul 3
the locker room or the Trumpy camarade-
rie of the golf course and have an aversion
to anyone putting anything on your rough,
rugged masculine face. Fair enough. If not,
follow me...
Location. This is far more important
than people realise and hard to judge from
carefully constructed brochures. Me, I
want a vista. I don’t want to be imprisoned
within the spa, I want to be able to walk or
even jog out into rolling hills, onto forest
paths or seaside boardwalks. I’m a class-a-
day-plus-a-massage man and I want to
spend the rest of the time exploring and lis-
tening to Karin Slaughter on my iPhone.
Except for an hour in the gym, so it’s
got to be a good one and that, believe me,
isn’t always the case. One place I went to
had two rickety bikes and a dumbbell.
So ask what equipment they have and
how many exercise machines. If they tell
you they also have an Arc Trainer, it
means they are really well endowed in the
gym department.
Food. You don’t go to a spa to overeat.
You almost certainly already do that at
home, you pig! Often you’ll have paid good
money precisely to undereat. The rule of
food is this: the less of it there is, the better
it needs to be. You need to feel that, though
you’re still hungry at the end of the meal,
you’re somehow nonetheless grateful for
what you have just received. That may
have been the merest speck of steak, but
Lord, how it was done!
A note here on coffee. Many spas imag-
ine that there’s something called “detox”
that is actually scientifically based — it
isn’t, but they and their customers like to
pretend. This delusion is largely harmless
except in the matter of coffee, which is
often banned from the premises. I have
usually managed to build in a scenic walk
to a local café or Starbucks to maintain my
sanity, so examine maps of the area around
your proposed spa to make sure you can do
this. And don’t feel guilty; it’s they who are
mad, not you.
Go to somewhere with interesting
treatments. This is one area where women
tend to fall down, since they actually enjoy
pedicures, manicures and facials and don’t
need anything else. I like a bit of adventure.
I want to be pummelled by Amazons,
slathered in pungent and impossible
potions and then placed in warm water
in a womb-like cabin for half an hour with
the sound of macaws and jaguars in
my ears.
And that’s almost the only noise I want
to hear. I like spas that discourage public
use of mobile phones and the bringing of
laptops to breakfast. I don’t need to listen
to some peacock gazillionaire or anxious
yummy mummy with inadequate volume
control, telling the world about the latest
problems of the acquisitions business or
the horrors of keeping a wayward teenager
out of jail. If you need conversation, there
are mealtimes and those hilarious women.
Finally, gimme steam or heat. Every day,
at some point, I want to sit bare-assed and
open-pored on marble or pine and feel the
rest of the grimy year trickle down my back
and away. Romans did, Ottomans did,
Russians, Turks and Scandinavians still
do. Some spas don’t run to hammams and
Finnish-style saunas, but try to find one
that does.
A last tip for you. I hate robes. I’ve never
quite managed them. The belt always fails
and they always threaten to spring open
when they shouldn’t. Even if you have
underwear on, it’s not exactly you at your
best, is it? In a robe I feel undressed at mo-
ments I want to feel dressed. So invest in
loose, light jogging pants and a T-shirt to
wear while others waddle around in their
precarious dressing gowns.
That’s it. Don’t thank me now. Thank me
when you get back, fresh and restored. Spa
Boy is your man.All men should experience this pain
and pleasure by David Aaronovitch
I
t started nearly 20 years ago with a
piece for another paper’s magazine
about a weight-loss facility in Florida.
After that PRs for spas and health
farms all over the world would email
me suggesting a largely free visit to
their client’s fabulous facilities. Thus
spa visits begat spa visits. So in the years
before the Great Pandemic, I was Spa Boy.
A Spa Boy with photographers, as the
price of magazine fame is humiliation. I’ve
been snapped robed and barelegged, ankle
deep in the February snow beside an Aus-
trian lake; being hosed down, pink and in-
distinct, like something out of a Francis
Bacon picture, in the 19th-century tattered
splendour of a Habsburg water spa; up to
my neck in a pool in South Carolina, high-
stepping to the command of an enthusias-
tic National Guard reservist; and staring
theatrically at a single piece of stale bread
and broth which were to be my main meal
for the next three days. It was all worth it.
Inevitably the PRs who contacted me
were applying themselves to the eternal
task of attracting men to spas. Before the
man-bun generation, men generally
wouldn’t go to spas unless prescribed by
their despairing doctors. Consequently
those that did spent much time in their
rooms. I never actually saw an ambulance
arrive but I swear that at night the sicker
men sometimes simply disappeared.I want to be
pummelled and
slathered in
pungent and
impossible
potions
t
r
t
rDavid Aaronovitch,
aka Spa BoySo spas are mostly for women, which
makes them a particularly soothing place
for a relatively hale man because women
(infuriating generalisation alert), left to
themselves, know how to live. Obviously
women tend to have softer voices, they
smell better, they won’t keep interrupting
the instructors, and if she’s a woman, the
person on the cross-trainer next to you in
the gym won’t try to engage you in furious,
silent competition. Many of them have just
temporarily escaped organising house-
holds and holding down jobs, and doing
everything for others and nothing for
themselves, so they set about the business
of relaxation with an inspiring enthusi-
asm. I have never seen a woman, shirtless
and streaming, jaw clenched on her fourth
hour pounding a treadmill. But I did come
across a group of women in an American
spa who took every single class available
on every single day they were there — and
still had enough energy to be hilarious.
I like spas. I like what they’re there for. If
I could spend more time in them, I would.
But I don’t like them all equally and I like
some of the things they do more than
others. I am, in that sense, a spa gourmet.
So having been lucky enough to indulge
this side of me, I want to share a few tips
with other men about the art of spa. Of
course, it’s personal. You may, for all I
know, vastly prefer the scents and sweat of12 top spas
for men
Gleneagles, Perthshire
Arguably the best-known golf spa
hotel in the UK.
Top treatment The Men’s Facial,
£225 for 60 min; gleneagles.comGrantley Hall, Yorkshire
Sports recovery specialists are on
hand, with a cryotherapy chamber
and altitude training facilities.
Top treatment Quirosport body
massage £120 for 60 min;
grantleyhall.co.ukWhatley Manor, Cotswolds
Lose yourself in the floatation pod
for ultimate relaxation.
Top treatment Floatation pod
session £56 for 60 min;
whatleymanor.comHilton Hotel St George’s Park,
Burton upon Trent, Staffordshire
The official relaxation space for the
England football team, with ice
fountains and a bubble pool.
Top treatment Elemis biotec
super-charger facial for men
£75 for 60 min;
healthclubandspasgp.comPennyhill Park, Surrey
The England rugby union team have
been spotted at this large spa. If it’s
good enough for them...
Top treatment Upper Body
De-stress Massage, £80 for 30 min;
exclusive.co.uk/pennyhill-parkThe Grove, Hertfordshire
The chic Sequoia spa at this hotel is
a popular spot for A-listers.
Top treatment Strength and
resilience massage £170 for 75 min;
thegrove.co.ukRockliffe Hall, Darlington
Try a post-golf treatment.
Top treatment Hot rocks massage,
£70 for 45 min; rockliffehall.comNed’s Club, London
This members’ club spa at the Ned
hotel has sports physios, a hammam
and a barber shop.
Top treatment Cowshed signature
massage £80 for 30 min;
thened.comOckenden Manor, West Sussex
Enjoy the walk-through rainfall room
and the indoor/outdoor pool.
Top treatment The Awakening
Floatation £108 for 90 min;
hshotels.co.uk/ockenden-manorVale Resort, Hensol, Glamorgan
The choice for elite sportsmen — the
Wales rugby union team stay, train
and get pampered here.
Top treatment Traditional Swedish
massage £65 for 50 min;
valeresort.comRudding Park, Yorkshire
Relax in a rooftop spa and gardens.
Top treatment Rooftop spa day from
£98; ruddingpark.co.ukHarbour hotels and spa, Richmond
Enjoy a 20m heated pool, a
hydrotherapy pool and other
luxury facilities.
Top treatment The Go Guy facial
£80 for 60 min; harbourhotels.co.ukCOVER AND LEFT: CHRIS MCANDREW FOR THE TIMES. BELOW: MARK HARRISON FOR THE TIMES MAGAZINE