Ugh. The worst. I’m sorry. Some of the
most distressing times in my life have
been when I know I need to get out of
a relationship and feel like I can’t. I don’t
understand people who seem to do it so
easily — I have always found being the
heartbreaker rather than the heartbroken
so much worse. Being heartbroken is
intense and sharp and can make you feel
like a wounded animal, but crucially
there’s somewhere to go with it. It’s a pain with velocity.
I find heartbreak is normally converted into something
else, something productive or new. A life change, an
epiphany, a greater strength, a mad haircut, a fling with
someone born in the late Nineties. Whereas the grief
paired with the sense of responsibility that can come
with ending a relationship is a dull but consistent pain.
I still feel guilty about breaking up with someone a
decade ago, someone who is very happily married with
two children and I imagine never thinks about me at all.
The reason you’re finding this so difficult is not
because you’re a bad person. Quite the opposite, it’s
because you’re an empathetic person. Your instinct is to
consider others and imagine what a feeling might be like
for them — if you suspect it would be unpleasant, you
want to do everything you can to protect them from that.
That’s a lovely quality to have, but it’s not a very useful
one when it comes to a situation like this. To state the
obvious for a moment: relationships only function if you
both want to be with each other. You can’t people-please
your way through being in love. You can’t stay with
someone because you don’t want to have a sad conversa-
tion. Sad conversations are sometimes the only place
where real life is waiting for us. And having them is the
actual act of compassion, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Truth is the most respectful thing you could give this
man now, not cowardice disguised as kindness.
Here’s a question someone asked me years ago that
I now ask anyone who thinks they want to get out of Alexandra Camerona relationship: if you could press a big red
button and it would all be over, would you
do it? If you could find yourself out of this
relationship and in a new life, but with no
break-up chat, no division of assets, no
exposure to their anguish, would you
press it? If the answer is yes, you need to
break up with that person now.
He might think he hates you for a bit.
Or blame you. He might talk into a pint of
lager for nights on end about how you ruined his life. “He
ruined my life,” is an old classic I love when I’m heart-
broken. My favourite hit on the break-up jukebox —
the tune my friends have to hear over and over again. The
last time I was getting over someone, a very wise friend
said to me gently: “You know, no one should have the
power to ruin your life by breaking up with you.” He was
right, of course. If you’re in a relationship where you
think your entire purpose or self-esteem is dependent on
the fact of the other person loving you for ever, some-
thing has gone wrong. My life was never their property to
ruin, just as you should never feel like his is yours. And of
all the men who I claimed once “ruined my life” by not
being with me, I would never reunite with any of them if
given the chance. All the clichés are true about heart-
break: time heals, no one knows how long it’s going to
take, he will find a way to move on.
It will be horrific, then it will be sad, then it will be
different, then you’ll be free, and then you’ll be happy.
I am talking about both you and him. I try not to
speak too emphatically in this column (blind leading
etc), but in this case it really does sound as though you
need to break up with him. Now is the time to be brave
and honest. He will find love again, just like you will,
and both of you will be grateful that you made the
decision to end a relationship that wasn’t right. You are
allowing him to find someone to be with who really
wants to be with him. One day he’ll know that was the
real act of kindness. ■Your love, life and friendship dilemmas answered
by Dolly Alderton
Dear Dolly
To get your life dilemma answered by Dolly, email or send a voice note
to [email protected] or DM @theststyleI’ve been in a relationship with my kind, loving boyfriend for nearly three years. I do love
him, but I’ve known for a long time in my gut that I’m not happy. I often find myself
dreaming of a different life. The problem is, I can’t find the courage to end things. I’ve
never broken up with someone before and I find myself worrying about what he would
do, where he would live, how he’d tell his parents and what they’d think of me. I wish
that we had become close friends instead of partners, and I hate the idea of losing him
from my life. I feel paralysed with guilt and self-loathing. How do I fix this?114 • The Sunday Times Style