The Sunday Times Magazine - UK (2021-11-21)

The Sunday Times Magazine • 63

properly caramelised, broth

thrumming with an undercurrent

of booze — manages to be both

lukewarm (soup) and palate-

scouringly hot (a loutishly thick

blanket of Gruyère).

Dishes have been kept on the

menu as homage to the glory days:

once, my spinach soufflé with

anchovy hollandaise wouldn’t have

been served in the upstairs room

(Siberia back then, in any case) lest

it deflated. This pneumatic unit

wouldn’t deflate if you punctured it

with a harpoon. The waiter gamely

tries crisscrossing with a knife; it

remains resolute. The sauce is like

being tongued by a recently fed cat.

Bangers and mash, another

stalwart, has been given the full

lipstick-on-a-pig job, more

meatloaf than sausage — veal,

chicken and pork en crépinette,

hiding a nugget of grey and

rubbery foie gras, the over-

reduced Périgord sauce laced

with (undetectable) black truffle.

Pomme puree is more sauce than

side, a tiny slick of buttery goop,

sloppy and over-rich — like the

bloke behind us bellowing his

travails to the cheap seats.

Prices are stupid, designed

for people not troubled by such

irrelevances. Fish pie is rammed

with cod, prawns, scallops — like

a piscine Topic, there’s one in

every bite — salmon and haddock

in a sauce of outlandish richness

(theme emerges). At £65 for two,

this is the closest the place gets

to value. Roasted cauliflower steak

is £24: elitism is a feature, not a

bug. The former Siberia upstairs

has been transformed into a bar,

its entrance manned by a solitary,

bored chap. May I have a peek

through the velvet curtains?

“No, it’s for members.” (Or as

we’re told later, “for specially

invited guests”; subtext: “You’re

NFI”.) I have the peek anyway —

what’s he gonna do? — and the

place looks like a clip joint for

Azerbaijani mobsters. “Eyes

wide shit,” says the pal.

We don’t have dessert. Sorry,

not tempted by eating “Exotic

Coupe Glacée” — basically a

coconutty banana split at £18.50

— while feeling the neck-prickle

of people whose table is required

for more suitable, big-spending

punters. The wine prices are —

surprise! — eye-watering: our

thin Cantina del Vermentino

Funtanaliras retails at about a

tenner; here, 60 quid. I guess they

need to pay for acres of marble

and legions of staff; returning

from the failed bar visit requires

dodgeball skills to avoid them as

they balance OTT prawn cocktails

— think Beetlejuice — and whole

roast chickens (£105). What

caused the national hospitality

staff shortage? Maybe Langan’s.

I suppose I should be glad that

the place hasn’t been left to

moulder, that moneymen have

poured their energies into

preserving a restaurant that’s an

important part of the UK’s cultural

history, making the stuffy, formal

establishments of the time look

like fossils. The new owners were,

apparently, the brand’s only

bidders. Grudgingly I am glad: it’s

a chilly beauty, with its exuberant

Murano glass light fitting, its

mould-green upholstery, its acres

of new art — even if not the Freuds,

Bacons and Proctors of yesteryear.

The designer is known for zhuzhing

up yachts and private jets.

And no, it was never a destination

for sublime cooking, even under

Langan. So yay, I guess. But I wish

they’d brought it properly back

to life and not created this

glamorous, soulless zombie. Its

target audience will love it n

Twitter: @MarinaOLoughlin

Instagram: @marinagpoloughlin

From left: spinach

soufflé with anchovy

and hollandaise; fish

pie for two; bangers

and mash with

Périgord sauce

FROM THE MENU

STARTERS

Gratinated French

onion soup £12

Spinach soufflé

with anchovy and

hollandaise £17

MAINS

Bangers and mash with

Périgord sauce £37

Fish pie for two £65

SIDE

Green beans

amandine £6.50

DRINKS

Bottle of Cantina

del Vermentino

Funtanaliras £60

TOTAL

For two, including 12.5%

service charge £222

The AA Gill Award

for emerging

food critics

Sharpen your pens

and taste buds for

our annual accolade

A

re you a frustrated food

writer? Do you believe you

have the power to enthuse and

entertain with your writing? Here

is your chance to prove it. In

memory of AA Gill, whose

restaurant reviews on these

pages were essential reading for

more than 23 years, we are

offering a prize of £3,500 for the

best piece of original writing on

the subject of a restaurant

experience or the wider subject of

food by delivery or takeaway. The

winner will also see their review

published in the food section of

The Sunday Times Magazine.

Entries must be up to 1,000

words and the competition is

open to anyone who does not

earn their main revenue from

food writing. The article must

not previously have been

published. In honour of AA Gill’s

dyslexia, entries will not be

judged on spelling or grammar.

One runner-up will receive

a prize of £500. Entries will be

judged by Flora Gill, Jeremy

Clarkson, the restaurateur

Jeremy King, our restaurant

critic, Marina O’Loughlin, and

food editor, Tony Turnbull.

The deadline for entries is

December 31.

To enter, for more information and
to read the full T&Cs, visit
thesundaytimes. co.uk/aagillaward
PAUL STUART