The Sunday Times - UK (2021-11-28)

Ah. Digital sleuthing. Many, many, many

of us have been there, my gal. Shuffling

around the internet in a trench coat,

sunglasses and wig, looking for clues.

Stealthily following his car along the roads

of his social media accounts, looking

for where he pulls up. Monitoring his

followers, combing through the people

he’s following. Feeling the drop of your

heart when you see yet another fitness

micro-influencer has made it on to his list,

going deep into her posts, finding a photo of her in a

G-string bikini in Dubai with the caption “Life is what you

make of it xoxo”, feeling even more saddened by the sight

of your beloved’s name in the likes and a heart-eye emoji

from him in the comments. Oh yes, we’ve been there.

One thing I often think about the internet is that it

makes something unnecessarily apparent and painful

that would have otherwise existed but gone unnoticed.

For example, any time I come across a nasty comment

about me online, I have to find some sort of peace in the

fact that it was probably always being said about me

somewhere offline. Most people just have the grace to do

all their slagging off privately in pubs or WhatsApp

groups with their friends rather than on a public forum

with strangers. I think the same could be said of this situa-

tion — your boyfriend probably would have engaged in

this occasional, hands-off level of semi-flirting offline

with women, but the internet showcases it in a way that

potentially makes it feel much more significant than it is.

At this point I must add that, of course, everyone’s

perception of what is and isn’t appropriate behaviour

when you’re in a relationship is different. Personally,

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with occasionally

liking photos of members of the opposite sex. I would

never expect a partner to stop noticing attractive people,

and I also wouldn’t want either of us to have to give up all

flirting for ever. However, that’s only if the relationship

felt strong enough to withhold it and there is enough

mutual trust to know that it’s completely harmless.

I can see now that every time I have been a digital detec-

tive in past relationships it was only for two reasons.

I was looking for confirmation that I was awful or that they Alexandra Cameron

were awful. By which I mean either I didn’t

believe that I was worthy of fidelity or they

hadn’t made me feel safe in the knowledge

that they would be faithful. This might not

be the case for you, and it might be that

you just don’t want your boyfriend liking

women’s photos on social media. If that

really is your bottom line, you should be

honest with him about it and give him a

chance to explain why he obviously

doesn’t see it as a betrayal. But before you

do that, I do think it’s worth reflecting on whether you are

upset by these isolated incidents or whether they play into

a larger issue in your relationship.

Does he make you feel like you can trust him? If not,

why is that? Is it something he is doing (such as not

committing, seeming shady, putting you down, not being

expressive about how he feels about you)? Or is this

mistrust something you’ve brought into the relationship?

Again, not meaning to pathologise this too much, but is

it possible that you expect bad behaviour from him

because you’ve experienced bad behaviour with previous

boyfriends? If that’s the case, then it’s something you’re

going to have to work through and try to fix on your own,

otherwise it will follow you into every single romantic

relationship you enter.

Whatever the cause of this issue, “caring less” about

him is not going to be the effective solution. Pushing him

away is not going to improve your relationship. You can’t

force yourself to not care about something that clearly

upsets you, and you shouldn’t feel like this is something

you have to process shamefully and in private. Take some

time to think about whether your distress is on account

of the simple fact of these Instagram likes, or whether

the Instagram likes have aggravated a deeper wound that

needs some attention. And talk to your boyfriend about

it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with him rather than

accusatorial — it might be that your fears completely

disappear once you’ve both been honest with each other.

You shouldn’t feel ashamed about your concerns. As

I said up top — you are not the first and you certainly

won’t be the last person to be driven momentarily mad

by social media in a relationship. ■

Your love, life and friendship dilemmas answered

by Dolly Alderton

Dear Dolly

To get your life dilemma answered by Dolly, email or send a voice note

to [email protected] or DM @theststyle

When I find pictures of girls my partner has liked on Instagram it completely ruins my day.

I can cope with celebrities and influencers, but not with people I see he might vaguely

know. It is a fairly rare occurrence, which makes it worse, as I feel like it is a conscious act

of flirting. Insecure isn’t something I’d describe myself as, but every time this happens the

only way I can cope is to try to make myself “care less” about him. What should I do?

50 • The Sunday Times Style