the times Saturday December 4 202110 Body + Soul
Suzi Godson
Sex counsel
Q
I have been having
an affair with a man
for the past two years,
meeting up once a week.
We have now decided to
leave our respective
marriages and get together
full-time. However, I am
worried that without the
excitement of the affair,
the sex will become
mundane. How can we
stop that from happening?
Once you
are officially a
couple, you
won’t experience
the adrenaline
rush that
the secrecy
of your affair
generated
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thetimes.co.uk/bulletinsWill our sex life
become boring?
A
Swapping your marriage for a
relationship that has, so far,
involved nothing more stressful
than steamy sex once a week is
not going to be smooth sailing. Within
those parameters, I’m sure this relation-
ship is perfect, but take it into the real
world and it won’t be just your sex life that
feels the strain. Affairs can seem to pour
champagne sparkle on the domestic
drudgery that defines family life, and the
magic can sustain you for days. The
minute you say goodbye, you start looking
forward to your next hello. That sense of
anticipation alone ensures you are brim-
ming with lust and overflowing with
excitement the next time you meet.
I realise that you probably wouldn’t have
had an affair if everything in your
marriage had been hunky-dory, so it is
possible that you have simply pre-empted
something that was on the cards. Research
by the family psychologist Paul Amato,
who is one of the world’s leading experts
on divorce, has consistently found that
infidelity is more likely to happen in
troubled marriages — which perhaps
isn’t a surprise. But his research alsofinds that infidelity increases the level of
distress within the marriage. It is not
uncommon for the guilty party to try
ramping up issues to force their
unsuspecting partner to demand change,
or even an end to the relationship.
You already know what happens to sex
when you sleep with the same person
every night, but you have no idea how
hard it will be to keep this relationship
fresh and fun when you are both battling
solicitors and ex-spouses on the side.
Because you have sacrificed so much to
be together, you will both be determined
to make the relationship work, but be
aware that leaving the past behind is no
guarantee of a happy-ever-after. In 2017
the psychologist Kayla Knopp and a team
at the University of Denver conducted a
study of 484 couples through two sets
of relationships, and found that prior infi-
delity emerged as an important risk factor
for infidelity in the next relationship.
You are also right to be concerned about
the impact that getting together on a more
formal basis will have on your sex life. You
could try to hang on to the routines that
made your affair so exhilarating. If you
used to meet in hotels, for example,
make a point of booking a night some-where nice once a month; if
you snogged in the cinema,
make sure you have regular mov-
ie nights. Secret sexting? No
need to stop now that you share
a remote control.
Once you are officially a
couple you won’t experience
the adrenaline rush that
the secrecy of your affair
generated. You can, however,
achieve the same effect
by doing activities that raise
your heart rate and make you
feel excited. People who have
affairs are often risk-takers;
whatever you do, do your best
to avoid boredom.
Send your questions to week
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