The Times - UK - 04.12.2021

the times | Saturday December 4 2021 43

News

Our Week The Downing St Christmas Party Group*

Monday
ChairmanDowden Guys, I think it’s
really important the Christmas party
goes ahead. Because we don’t want to
all be stuck at home alone like last
year.

BorisPM Hahaha, good one!

CarrieMob Boris shut up right now.

ChairmanDowden I’m not following.

BorisPM Sorry. What I meant was
that the suggestion we had a secret
party which broke the rules is
completely unfounded.

ChairmanDowden What suggestion?

No10PressSecretary I have no
further information on this.

ChairmanDowden Pretty sure I’d
remember a party!

BrandRishi Same here! I’m just next
door.

ChairmanDowden Well, there you
go. And it’s not like they’d have
forgotten to invite people they work
with every day.

No10PressSecretary I have no
further information on this.

ChairmanDowden Actually this is
starting to feel weirdly awkward.

Tuesday
ChairmanDowden Boris! Have you
looked in the mirror?

CarrieMob He looks in it for hours.
You know he wants it to look like
that?

ChairmanDowden Meant Daily
Mirror. They’re reporting that there
actually was a party. With booze and
a quiz.

PensionsCoffey Amazing. They just
make this stuff up, don’t they?

DPMRaab Yeah. They’re going to
feel pretty stupid when
they find out that Boris
and Carrie spent last
Christmas all bored and
alone like everybody
else!

DPMRaab I
assume.

DPMRaab
Although I notice
they’ve gone
awfully quiet.

ChairmanDowd
en Guys?

BrandRishi I do
actually
remember
hearing noises.
They told me it
was the baby.

BrandRishi But
thinking back I suppose
babies don’t usually
dance the Macarena.

GoveUpwards This could
be really bad. Was the
whole of the Downing
Street team there?

No10PressSecretary I
have no further
information on this.

GoveUpwards Apart from you, I

mean.

Wednesday

FCOTruss So what’s the plan for this

year’s party, then?

PensionsCoffey We mustn’t snog!

FCOTruss Was that meant for the

whole group?

PensionsCoffey Sorry. Meant whole

country mustn’t snog. Because of

Covid. Or that’s what I told Peston,

and firmly.

GoveUpwards

But he seems like such a gentleman.

iMOGG WHAT IS SNOG STOP

TheSaj Snogging, Jacob. Come on.

French kissing!

DPMRaab Is it still French when we

do it?

CultureDorries Better bloody not be.

BorisPM Things happen at parties. I

don’t think we want to make a big

deal out of it. We’re not that sort of

government.

BorisPM BTW my dad’s not coming.

Thursday

TheSaj Sorry Therese but I’m with

Boris and I’ve just said as much on

ITV. Totally OK to snog as much as

we like.

TheSaj For example it’s a Javid family

tradition to snog my wife under the

mistletoe.

BorisPM Blimey Saj. Your family

sounds even weirder than mine.

No10PressSecretary I have no

further information on this.

BorisPM Ignore her. She’s just

sulking.

MattHancock Hey guys! Thanks so

much for inviting me! Looking

forward to catching up after a difficult

few months!

CarrieMob God, I’d forgotten about

him. This is going to be excruciating.

MattHancock

Obviously I’ll also be

bringing my new

girlfriend!

TheSaj Maybe we

should ban

snogging after

all.

ChairmanDow

den So, back to

organising this

party. Liz is

providing the

cheese. Grant

has volunteered

to be the DJ.

Can’t

remember

who said

they’d be

in charge

of tinsel.

Maybe Nadine?

TrussFCO Nadine’s

crackers.

ChairmanDowden

Yes, but is she

bringing the tinsel?

Friday

ChairmanDowden OK I’m

wondering if we should cancel.

ChairmanDowden It’s not just

Omicron. It’s also that people are still

talking quite a lot about all the

alleged secret parties last year.

BrandRishi You mean there was

more than one? Because now I think

of it, New Year’s Eve was quite noisy,

too.

No10PressSecretary I have no

further information on this.

CarrieMob Jeez, get over it.

BrandRishi I had a glass against the

wall. But I do hear the telly

sometimes. So I decided it was just

the Hootenanny.

iMOGG WHAT IS HOOTENANNY

STOP

TheSaj No way we cancel! Everybody

I’m speaking to says that parties

absolutely must go ahead.

TheSaj With the minor exception of

the doctors.

BorisPM Saj is right, folks. People

deserve a party. And Omicron or not,

I remain convinced that this

Christmas is going to be considerably

better than last Christmas.

CarrieMob What, with that lot

coming?

BorisPM I didn’t mean for us.

*according to Hugo Rifkind