of my feasting. Santa,
as a man who evidently
enjoys a roast dinner,
I’m sure you won’t
judge me. Help!(^3) An upgrade to "towel
tier". We felt smug,
when we joined the
health club on the
cheapest
membership
package. "Why would
anyone stump up an extra £
per month for a guest pass and a
slightly nicer steam room?", we
snorted. After a few months of damp
car journeys and endless laundry
cycles, the answer became very
clear: because the top tier comes
with free towels.
Every time I swim, I must lug my
water-logged towel through the car
park, drape it over my shopping in
a fruitless attempt at air drying, and
then cruise around with it for the
whole day, stinking out my boot, and
exposing my penny-pinching for the
world to see. Yet I simply can’t justify
shelling out an additional £240 per
year, just for a fresh towel to be
handed to me at each visit. That feels
like opulent indulgence; the last days
of Rome. Something I would never
buy myself. Which is why it would
make a perfect Christmas present...
(^4) A dreamcatcher. Not the Native
American pendant, thanks (if I’m
supply-chain logistics; but, if you
can’t pull any strings there,
perhaps you’re aware of a
marginally less effective product?
I need a smart
speaker that’s
unable to
interpret the
high-pitched
squawking of
my sprogs,
please.
(^2) A gadget to scrape burnt
bits off baking trays. To be clear: the
device I desire is not for washing up.
For that, I’m content to use the tried-
and-tested technique of filling my
used baking trays with a layer of
washing up liquid "to soak
overnight" until they become a
fatberg swamp. No, what I require is
a trinket that can help me eat more
of the burnt-on bits first.
You see, I’ve come to realise
that my favourite meal—literally,
my favourite, more than lobster
Thermidor or eggs Royale or steak
and chips—is "the burnt bits from
the bottom of the baking tray".
Typically, I’ll wait until after dinner,
offer to do the washing up, then
quietly gorge on what remains of
the roast veg, chicken bits, and
garlic skins, all mushed together in
a charred stack, sprinkled with salt.
Delish! But a spatula only accesses
the top layer, and scraping it with a
metal spoon leaves revealing clues
16 • DECEMBER 2021
IT’S A MANN’S WORLD