PC Gamer - UK (2022-01)

It’sthe ideal way toset the stage for
the alpha team, who, reassuringly,
can’t beany moreuseless than
fuck-knuckled human hostess trolleys
who wobbled intoSpencer mansion
beforethem. One can onlyassume
that Delta teamsuffocatedwhile
donning their S.T.A.R.S.
uniforms. By
comparison, Chris and
Jill lookmagnificently
capable, eventhough
Jill isa lockpicker
without a lockpickand
Chris can onlycarry six
things. I’m carryingsix
thingsright now, and
all I havetodoissit hereand reach
mywordcount. Also, anyonewho
doesn’t immediately recognise
Weskeraspurebastard evil shouldn’t
betrusted tobearoundcutlery, let
alone firearms. Theyare all, without
exception, idiots. But I lovethemand
I lovethisgame.

I lovethe fixedcameraangles,

which let mestand incorridors and

makeshapeswhile the moonlight

hitsJill’shaunted porcelain doll face.

I lovehow every enemy feels likea

frightening waste of bullets. I even

lovethatthe controlsmakeabsolutely

nosense, evenintheir

rejigged, modern

incarnation. Thisisthe

remake, and it still feels

laughably dated and

cumbersome. But

somehow, it justadds

tothe terror. If I had

any control overmy

movements I could just

avoid the zombies. Instead, Resident

Evil isthe survival horrorequivalent

of secretlydriving anice cream truck

through Claire’sAccessories.

S.T.A.R.S. INTHEIR EYES

Then, wehavethe puzzles, which fill

myheart withthe purest joy because

they’re sostaggeringly, laughably,

inexcusably impractical. Remember

that peopleworkinSpencer mansion.

It’sbasically a functioning laboratory.

Compare thatto, say, a modernoffice,

where the mostminor

inconveniencesare enoughto

discourageus. Can you imagine being

botheredtochangea toner cartridge

if you had tocollect all seven secret

moths first?

Resident Evil might bethe easiest

gametolampoon, then, but it’spartly

a defence mechanism onmypart.

Combining scary monsterswith

resourcemanagement anxiety isthe

smartest, mostrelatable way toscare

the solidsout of me, similar toif

someone madea horrorgameabout

avoidingsmalltalk withyourracist

old neighbours. Wecan sit hereand

smirk at Resi’sidiosyncrasies, but I’ll

still beshittingitwhenmycanteen

runsout of oil and the Crimson

Heads start re-rising.

85

Nobodyshouldever

makeanother gamethat

plays likethis, and that’s

exactly why it’sstill

wonderful.

VERDICT

H

owever bad I am at writing, I rest easy knowing I’m better
at my job than the S.T.A.R.S. bravo team. For me to
approach their level of ineptitude this entire column would
have to include my bank details, passwords, industry
crushes and darkest secrets. The screenshots would be
accidental selfies and the score would be a macaroni picture of a balloon.

PHARMA POLICE

Enjoying thecompanyofidiots in RESIDENT EVIL

Then, we have

the puzzles,

which fill my

heart with the

purest joy

NEED TO KNOW

WHATIS IT?

A haunted house full of

stupid, sexy

supermodels

EXPECT TO PAY

£16

DEVELOPER

Capcom

PUBLISHER

In-house

REVIEWED ON

Intel Core i7-7700 CUP

@ 3.60GHz, 16 GB RAM,

NVIDIA GeForce GTX

1070, Windows 10

MULTIPLAYER

No

LINK

bit.ly/3HHvYLF

OLD GAMES REVISITED byMatthew Elliott

THEY’RE BACK

Barry Burton: not so

much a man as an

upholsteredanvil.