The Times Magazine 13SPINAL COLUMN
MELANIE REID
’ve always felt for people whose
birthdays fall close to Christmas. No
one likes to admit it, but to everyone
but their mothers they’re the
Inconvenient Ones.
They, poor souls, have a drought
of celebrations all year, yet when
their turn comes everyone’s so busy
with festive stuff they’re rather put
out having to find two presents, or make
a special fuss.
Dave was one of these winter babies – and
if he’s hard enough to buy for at the best of
times, he’s even harder when you need two
brainwaves in a short space of time. I love
giving him presents, but he sets the bar very
high. He enjoys extravagance just as much as
I shy away from it.
The past year offered some inspiration.
One of the reasons he stopped playing golf was
his failing eyesight. Now, both cataracts sorted,
he can see the ball again and has started to go
out playing with his mates. Which is great. But
golf tees are cruel places when you’re a proud
man who hates to hold others up, or be seen
fluffing your shots.
He used to be so much more confident,
prince of his domain. I’ve told the story before
of the nine-hole golf course he and two retired
friends built on the hill behind the house,
labouring by hand for years, as perfectionist
as any Augusta greenkeepers. How after my
accident Dave’s lack of time and his friend’s
illness meant the project was abandoned, and
the moss, bracken, rushes and gorse haveobliterated their work as surely as if it had
never existed.
Now the grass is so long there isn’t even
anywhere for him to practise hitting, because
he’d never retrieve a single ball. Plus he’s
feeling the cold more, and you can’t play golf
in a duvet jacket. Add to that the fact his clubs,
his mates tell him, are out of the ark.
I can’t do much about the clubs – that
requires an expert – but for his birthday
I decided to assemble a golf empowerment
package. First up, a practice net, about 8ft sq.
Which can be put up in the garden with a bit
of old carpet in front of it, so that with total
privacy he can banish the fresh air shots and
build some confidence.
Next, some clever thermal layering. See
men of a certain age with set ideas about
clothes? Dave, never knowingly seen without
a collar, thinks anything without is for scruffs;
I would have to work hard to prove these
garments’ magic properties against the cold.
I also looked for something non-bulky but
warm and suitably flexible to wear on top.
Hours online I bloody spent, wading through
acres of guffy marketing speak on golf
magazine websites, seeking comparisons
on what was warmest and lightest. Golf- the desert that athleisure forgot.
Shopping for special things online,
especially clothes, isn’t really shopping; it’s
gambling. How do you judge size, texture,
quality? When I have no choice, because
whipping round the shops is impossible, my
only guide is price. So I just click and pray.
Earlier this week his birthday arrived. First
the net, which has to be assembled, and is
trickier than in the pictures. There’s a surprise.
We looked at all the bits, looked at each other
and said as one, “Doug.” We’ll wait. We’d end
up falling out if we tried to do it – because
I could do it but can’t, if you see what I mean,
and Mr Impractical can’t but could.
Then the clothing. He stripped off in the
kitchen at breakfast to put the high-necked,
body-hugging primary layer on. Under
Armour. Cost a fortune. Janice and I critiqued.
“It’s too tight,” he said.
“It’s meant to be like that.”
“It makes your body look great. Young.
Daniel Craig.”
“Do you really think so?” Preening.
Then the lined merino jumper. Windproof.
Dark blue to show off his eyes. Bearing some
rather naff body contour seams and a golfy
logo that’s apparently desirable.
By lunchtime, he was still wearing his
new clobber. And looking enthused.
“It’s terrific. It feels really warm and
comfortable and...” He hesitated. “It’s sort
of holding me in.”
My Christmas miracle: the story of a very
manly man who took to wearing a thermal
that felt like a corset to play golf with his
mates. Who were probably, secretly, under
their jumpers wearing one too. n@Mel_ReidTimes
Melanie Reid is tetraplegic after breaking her
MURDO MACLEOD neck and back in a riding accident in April 2010
I
‘Dave is playing
golf again – and
looking like
Daniel Craig. It’s a
Christmas miracle!’