Four Four Two - UK (2021-12)

UPFROnT

8

FREIGHT ON HIS MIND

Kevin Keegan is back, and

he’s ready for another awards night.

Last month we brought you news of

Keegan’s guest appearance at the

Meat Management Industry Awards,

but he wasn’t done. He’s since turned

up at the no-less-famed Multimodal

Awards – an event that celebrates the

best of all modes of freight, including

Air Cargo Company of the Year and

Sea Freight Company of the Year.

During an enthusiastic appearance,

Keegan was described as a “true pro”

who “held a captive audience despite

a building evacuation”. Such an exit

from a premises could well have given

him flashbacks to the last game at

the old Wembley, but it’s untrue that

he then quit the awards while stood

in a toilet cubicle with David Davies.

7

“GOOD THINKING,

BAT-TIGER THING”

If you’ve ever wanted to see a picture

of a man dressed as a tiger, dressed as

Batman, in Mexico, at a football game,

then today is your lucky day.

El Tigre is the mascot of Tigres UANL,

and he’s known for his penchant for

fancy dress. Just being a tiger would

be enough for most, but not him – he’s

variously donned a cape, a hazmat

suit during lockdown, a magician’s

uniform, a Santa Claus outfit, a riot

shield, some sort of marching band

costume and now the Batman get-up.

The latest garb got its run-out for

a home win over Guadalajara – the

visitors probably spent most of the

game baffled, wondering what the

hell was going on with that gormless

bat-tiger creature on the touchline.

4

HELLO, PUMPKIN

Hwang Hee-chan’s time in

the Premier League started quite well,

so it’s probably no surprise that he’s

had a permanent smirk on his face.

The South Korean frontman netted

four goals in his first six league games

after joining Wolves on loan from RB

Leipzig, then walked out for an open

training session at Molineux wearing

a grinning pumpkin mask as the club

marked Halloween.

Raul Jimenez, Adama Traore and

Conor Coady were also among those

who donned scary masks, which could

double up as handy disguises should

Wanderers’ results go south.

“Ruben Neves? No, that’s not me –

I’m Terry the Phantom of the Opera,

Wolverhampton born and bred.”

3

“DARLING, PLEASE PUT

THE BANNER DOWN”

As Mauro Icardi knows, PSG players

are pretty used to female offers – but

one young fan took things too far.

Infamous for marrying Wanda Nara,

ex-wife of ex-Sampdoria buddy Maxi

Lopez, Icardi made more headlines

after one-woman telenovela Nara

unfollowed him on Instagram, hinting

he’d cheated on her. “Another family

you’ve ruined for a slut,” she raged.

Lionel Messi is rather more shy and

retiring, but even he’s getting his fair

share of offers – one young fan boldly

offered the Flea his mum in exchange

for a shirt. The thousand-yard stare on

his mother’s face suggests she may

not have been completely on board

with the idea.

6

BALLOONING AROUND

Results at Barcelona have
been going downhill quicker than
a badger in a bobsleigh, so Gerard
Pique has been busy finding other
things in life that he can enjoy.
After moving into tennis to help
run the Davis Cup, he has become
the mastermind behind the Balloon
World Cup – a competition where
players from 32 countries went head
to head in attempting to prevent
a balloon touching the floor. Peru’s
Francesco de la Cruz became world
champion at the event in Tarragona.
Given his recent form at the Camp
Nou, Pique made for an ideal Chief
Balloon – although Ronald Koeman
is available if the organisation needs
a steady hand/a man who can crash
it into some rocks any time soon.

9

DICTATING THE GAME

It’s been quite the mixed-up

month for Lazio: days before naming

Benito Mussolini’s great-grandson in

their matchday squad for the first time,

the club’s falconer was suspended for

performing a Mussolini salute.

Romano Floriani Mussolini, 18, was

an unused sub for the Biancocelesti’s

Serie A match at Verona, a week after

long-serving eagle man Juan Bernabe

had been caught on camera imitating

the dictator’s right-arm fascist salute,

bird in hand, and chanting ‘Duce, duce’

• Mussolini’s nickname.
  A replacement falconer (above) was
  brought in, who made wiser use of his
  right arm by punching the air instead.
  Thankfully, he remembered all of the
  training: Mussolini great-grandson,
  good; pretending to be Mussolini, bad.

5

TOON ARNIE

Newcastle United needed

a big-name signing to mark their Saudi

Arabian takeover deal – and Arnold

Schwarzenegger fitted the bill in more

ways than one.

The legend of the Terminator movies

with a Scrabble-winning surname was

pictured holding a Magpies shirt aloft

with club great Alan Shearer – but don’t

get your hopes up, Toon lovers. Arnie

was taking part in an LA fan festival, so

he won’t be replacing Joelinton just yet.

Shearer was also pictured lying on

the floor with his head trapped in the

mouth of a fake crocodile – a stifling

tactic that Premier League sides wish

they’d considered about 25 years ago.

“We’re playing Shearer today, lads –

release the croc...”

2

CLONE WARS

You’ve seen how good one
Mo Salah is – just imagine how good
two Mo Salahs could be.
After watching Fabio and Rafael da
Silva dominate world football during
their days together at Manchester
United, Liverpool could have been
forgiven for cloning their Egyptian
forward this season, to end worries
about his January departure to the
Africa Cup of Nations.
Sadly, Mo’s doppelganger is only
an inanimate waxwork, which the
man himself (in the white jacket?)
posed with when it was unveiled at
Madame Tussauds recently. Despite
its total lack of mobility, some claim
that it might still pose more of a goal
threat than Takumi Minamino.

FourFourTwo December 2021 19