UPFROnT
Interview Nick Moore Illustration Bill McConkeyASK A SILLY QUESTIOn
getting himself motivated. He created
an inner anger and it had to come out.
“N is for the numbskull who during
the Boxing Day game asks me what
else I got for Christmas besides my
whistle.” How’d you handle jokers?
It depends on the player and how they
do it. Robbie Savage would tease me
about being bald, but he’d do it in the
right way. It made me laugh, and the
next minute he’d say, “Good call, ref”.
Lovely. “R is for running backwards,
a difficult skill which pundits never
seem to appreciate.” Is that right?
I saw Steve Lodge fall over at Coventry
while running backwards, and decided
that because I had eyes in the front of
my head, it’d be easier to run forwards.
Going backwards isn’t necessary – you
can shuffle around instead.
True. Which world leader would make
the best referee, and which referee
would make the best world leader?
Nelson Mandela. I met him once and
his presence was awesome. And every
referee thinks they’d be the best world
leader, so good luck with that!
Did officials lose gravitas when they
started wearing lollipop lady fluoros?
When I was a schoolboy in Dublin, the
Garda [police] wore black, and so did
refs. But life has progressed and we’ve
had to keep up with fashion.
Refs are unpopular despite just doing
their job as well as possible. Do you
feel the same about traffic wardens?
I’ve only met one. I parked to nip into
a bank and get cash, which I then had
to use to pay the fine.
Aaarrrgh. How do you feel about the
perennially unpopular wasp?
They don’t bother me, and I like Wasps
rugby team. Do they have a ‘bee’ team?
Bazinga! Finally, what’s the craziest
thing ever seen on a ref’s night out?
Paul Durkin finding, then very happily
pedalling a pink kids’ tricycle, as if he’d
owned it his whole life. He’s one of the
funniest men I’ve ever met.
Incredible. Thanks for chatting!
A pleasure.Dermot Gallagher was speaking to
FourFourTwo on behalf of SamsungDERMOT ‘POISOn’ GALLAGHER
“I’VE SEEn PAUL DURKIn
VERY HAPPILY PEDALLInG
A PInK KIDS’ TRICYCLE”
Hi Dermot. When we interviewed
Graham Poll, he named Uriah Rennie
‘Britain’s hardest referee’. Agree?
Hi. Yes, it’s hard to look past Uriah. He’s
a kickboxing champion and as strong
as an ox, although he’s a gentle giant
really. Who’d win the silver medal? I’d
have to say me. I can look after myself.
I’ve always had to do it, because I’m
tiny and have been in an environment
where you need to be both physically
and mentally strong.
Graham said, “Dermot isn’t hard, he’s
a lovely fella.”
Tell him poison comes in small bottles!
Terrifying. Howard Webb once told us
that he steals toilet rolls from hotel
rooms. Have you committed a petty
offence, Dermot?
Driving too fast, especially when I was
four hours from home after a midweek
game, with no one on the road, late at
night. Those journeys used to send me
mad. Getting away from Crystal Palace
to the M25 was the worst, a nightmare.
It was the driving home that eventually
became my Waterloo moment – I just
couldn’t do it any more. If you’d given
me a tardis, I’d still be refereeing now.
Have you ever heard the superb Half
Man Half Biscuit song The Referee’s
Alphabet? In it, the singer says, “J is
for Jiu-Jitsu, which I quite intend to
display given a dark alley and some
of the narky blerts I’ve encountered.”
Every ref we’ve talked to has singled
out the same narky blert.
Was it a certain Welsh guy?
Bingo.
Why am I not surprised? There’s been
the odd player where I’ve nearly grown
hair just to pull it out again. I met Craig
Bellamy after retiring, and he was one
of the nicest guys you could ever meet.
I asked, “Why were you always like that
with refs?” and he said it was his way of
The former Premier League whistle-wielder on narky blerts, running backwards – and ref nights out