14 saturday review Saturday December 18 2021 | the timesR
onald Carmichael was
out of his comfort zone
taking on the part of
Scrooge in A Christmas
Carol.
“Why do you want to
do this?” the producer
asked the veteran actor when they met in
a grand old theatre in the West End.
“Oh, I don’t know. I guess I want my
granddaughter to see me in something,”
replied Ronald. “She’s nine.”
“Oh, how sweet!” cooed the producer.
It was sweet. But what Ronald didn’t
mention was that it was unlikely as he
hadn’t spoken to his only son for many
years. They’d fallen out about something
or other, then after Ronald’s wife died
they’d drifted apart altogether. But, at 78,
Ronald was at an age where he felt the
need to reconnect before it was too late,
and doing something “Christmassy” was
his way of doing it.
All of Ronald’s best-laid plans were
turned on their head, however, when on
the opening night he died. He was midway
through the scene where Scrooge refuses
to believe that the Ghost of Marley was
real when it happened.
“Nay. Nay!” cried Scrooge. “You are not
real, sir, you are but an apparition. A.. .”
And then it happened. Ronald’s mind
suddenly went blank and he hadn’t a clue
what came next.
“You are not real, sir,” he repeated. “You
are but an apparition. A.. .”
But it was no use. His face froze, the
blood gone from every vessel. His whole
body suddenly felt cold and clammy. He
felt he was outside his body, looking at
himself dying.
Now, I understand the reader’s dis-
appointment; it’s true, Ronald didn’t actu-
ally die, but there is a reason performers
use that dread word. It’s because you feel
like you’ve died. A person who is dying on
stage wishes they were dead. Anything
would be better than this, standing in front
of 2,000 strangers with your mind as
blank as a newborn baby and feeling just
as naked.
“Get on with it you donut!!” someone
shouted, which sent a ripple of laughter
through the audience. During the
1980s Ronald had played a de-
tective called Dennis Hawk in
the TV show Hawkeye. Hawk-
eye used the word “donut” a lot
when dealing with criminals.
“Shut up you donut!”, “Sit down
you donut!”, “I know you’re
lying you donut!” Etc.
But Ken Thorne, the
Scottish actor who was play-“If only you had kept me to my word,
dear Belle.. .” Ronald stammered.
“You should not have let me go.. .”
Ronald’s eyes darted around the stage
for the owner of the voice but saw nothing
but panicking actors and a rapt audience.
“You should not have let me go.. .”
“I was young. By the devil I did love you.
I did, sweet Belle,” THE VOICE said.
“I was young!” Ronald had risen from
the dead now, just as he’d done the previ-
ous night. “By the devil I did love you! I did,
sweet Belle!!” he cried before spontane-
ously burst into tears. Once again, the
audience erupted in thunderous applause.
As sure as November turned into
December THE VOICE sounded every
night in Ronald’s ear, and every night the
crowd lapped it up.
During the curtain call on Boxing Day
a representative from the London Evening
Herald came on stage and gave Ronald
an award for best performance in a
Christmas show. Ronald didn’t even
know there was such an award but
received the gold-plated Christmas tree
decoration-shaped gong with glee. He
trotted out the usual thank-yous to the
production team, the other actors, his
agent, his late wife etc. This brought tears
to the eyes of everyone in the audiencehave a guardian angel.” The stage manager
smiled and wandered off to prep the show.
Ronald asked the other actors. Nobody
had heard.
On another day the mystery might have
swamped Ronald’s brain for hours, but his
brain was still half-full of the glowing re-
views, so he went to his dressing room and
got on with his pre-show vocal warm-up.
“Mee mee mee mee maw!! Lee lee lee lee
law!! Six thick, thistle sticks!! Timothée
Chalamet has surely had his day!” etc.
But, that night, Ronald died again.
The Ghost of Christmas Past was show-
ing Scrooge the moment when his fiancée,
Belle, hands back her engagement ring to
the Young Ebeneezer when it happened.
“If only you loved me like you do your
precious money,” said Belle (up-and-
coming actress Emelia Halfpenny).
“Oh Belle!” shouted Scrooge. “If only
you had.. .” and then Ronald blanked. “If
only... Er.. .” Ronald froze as stiff as a
board. He couldn’t even move. It was even
worse than last night! Just as Ronald was
about to break into a cold sweat, he heard
THE VOICE again, whispering gently in
his ear.
“If only you had kept me to my word,
dear Belle!” It said in its deep, resonant,
comforting tone.short story
Stage Fright — a
spooky story from
the star of Ghosts
Simon Farnaby, the actor from Horrible Histories and Ghosts,
and co-writer of Paddington 2, pens an exclusive spooky yarn
ing Marley, knew the silence was no joke.
“Ron!” he stage-whispered. “You OK,
pal?”
Ron just looked at him and whimpered.
All was lost. Alas, sometimes the show
does not go on. But then... a miracle!
From the midst of the muffled silence
in Ronald Carmichael’s ear came
A VOICE. It was calm, clear and perfectly
enunciated.
“You are but an apparition.. .” THE
VOICE said.
“You are but an apparition,” Ronald
repeated automatically.
“An apnea of my senses.. .” THE VOICE
went on.
“An apnea of my senses.. .” Ronald said,
a little more boldly now. “Apnea!” shouted
Ronald’s recovering mind. “That was the
bloody word!” He could feel the blood re-
entering the vessels in his face once again.
“You are no more real than a fairy,”
THE VOICE went on.
“Why, you are no more real than a fairy!”
bellowed Ronald, his confidence not only
fully restored but strengthened by its
unexpected journey into the abyss.
“You think you can trick me into.. .”
THE VOICE started, but Ronald was in
full flow now...
“You think you can trick me into think-
ing I am as mad as a March hare? Nay, I am
as sane as a brick in a house and thou art
no more real than a whisp in the woods!”
Ronald finished with a flourish and the au-
dience burst into a spontaneous applause.
The next morning the newspapers
hailed Ronald Carmichael’s performance
as nothing more than miraculous.
“At one point,” read The Times, “when
confronted with the ghost of Marley,
Carmichael became so childlike that I
wanted to go up on stage and give him a
cuddle. It was a moment of vulnerability
that only a world-class actor could give.”
When Ronald turned up before the
show that night, he took the stage
manager aside.
“You could have told me we had a
prompt, darling,” he said to her.
“What do you mean?” she answered.
“Last night. The prompt. Saved my life
he did.”
“We don’t have a prompt,” she said
flatly.
“But... I heard him loud and clear.”
“There isn’t even a prompt box.
Hasn’t been one for years.” Ron
looked to the stage. It was true,
there was no prompt box.
“But there was a voice telling
me my lines... didn’t you hear it?”
he asked, spooked.
“I didn’t hear anything. You must‘You are not
real, sir,’ he
repeated.
‘You are
but an
apparition.
A.. .’ But it
was no use.
His face froze