the times Saturday December 18 202110 Body + Soul
that vulnerability jolts you both
into a more receptive emotional
and sexual state. Feeling shy
heightens awareness and
increases sensitivity. It also in-
creases levels of cortisol, which
can boost arousal and make sex
more exciting. Embrace the awk-
wardness, concentrate on getting to
know each other more holistically
and pay attention to all the sensory
delights Zoom sex can never pro-
vide: touch, taste, smell
and good old-fashioned sexual
intercourse. The more relaxed
you become, the better your
“real” sex life will be, but you don’t
need to throw the baby out with the
bath water.
Zoom sex obviously works for
you both, so whether you are here
or there, schedule the occasional
meeting and keep the online love
alive too.
Send your questions to
[email protected]Embrace the
awkwardness,
concentrate on
getting to know
him holistically
take time, but if you want this relationship
to last it is important that you learn how to
conduct it offline as well as online.
When Dr Laura Stafford from Bowling
Green State University in Ohio studied
long-distance relationships she found that
partners were more likely to idealise each
other. They tended to fight less and didn’t
waste their time online having conversa-
tions about issues that might create con-
flict. In 2007 Stafford and Andy Merolla
from the University of California Santa
Barbara tracked couples who had moved
to the same area after dating long-distance
for two years. Within three months a third
had broken up. The shock of exposure to
“real” flaws as opposed to “ideal” behav-
iours, coupled with a loss of autonomy,
made it difficult for couples to adapt.
Stafford’s study reminds us that, al-
though sex is an important component,
good relationships need to accommodate
the normal stuff: cooking, walking the dog,
holding hands, going to the pub with
friends, lying on the sofa watching TV, or
staying up late having deep and meaning-
ful conversations about hopes and dreams.
Although you worry about feeling shy,Our sex life was
better on Zoom
A
Living in separate cities can be
tough on romantic relationships,
but there are huge benefits too. In
long-distance relationships you
are always playing your A game. Because
your relationship is not subject to the day-
to-day grind of normal life, it doesn’t tar-
nish as quickly. Distance helps to preserve
the sense of “otherness”, which makes sex
feel novel, unpredictable and exciting. You
also have much more control over the
experience. Because video sex is by neces-
sity scheduled, you have the opportunity
to prepare. You can put your lipstick on
and adjust the lighting and the camera an-
gles to make sure they are flattering. Man-
aging all the variables ensures you always
present your best self, and that can make
people feel much more sexually confident.
Unfortunately, real sex doesn’t come
with flattering lighting and choreography.
It is more likely to happen when you are
wearing comfy clothes than when you are
in your sexiest underwear. But that’s real
life — and that’s where real intimacy hap-
pens. Feeling comfortable with your “real”
as opposed to your “Zoom” selves maySuzi Godson
Sex counsel
Q
My new boyfriend and
I live in separate cities,
so have got very good
at having sex via video
conference calls. But when
we get together in person
we are somewhat inhibited
— it’s almost as though we
need a screen between us
to give us confidence. How
do we get over this? Or does
this mean we don’t have
actual physical chemistry?
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