the times Saturday December 18 2021
Body + Soul 13
T
he festive season can be
fraught with difficulty for even
the most civilised of divorced
parents. But there are ways of
making it easier.Be flexible rather than insisting on
‘fairness’
We treat children’s time as a commodity
— this is my time, this is the other
parent’s time, we insist on being “fair”.
That creates a lot of anxiety for kids of
divorced parents. I know one teenager
who says she thinks about her time with
her parents as a pie chart: have I spent
25 per cent here? Do I need to spend
25 per cent there? Of course both
parents would like to be there on
Christmas morning to see the stockings
being opened, but it’s important to focus
on being flexible rather than being fair.
When kids look back on special events,
what they think about is the memory
that was made, not the day it was made
on. Kids don’t think, “OK, on December
25 at 7.15am I opened my stocking with
my mum.” So if you can’t be with your
children on the day, that doesn’t mean
you can’t come up with some other ways
to create special memories with your
children. I am a “bonus” mum —
another term for step-parent — and I
have two bonus kids and two bio kids.
The years when the bonus kids were
with us we would celebrate Christmas
Eve and Christmas Day. When they
spent Christmas with their mum, we
would celebrate the new year as a special
time with them a few days later.If you’re not together on the day,
reassure kids you’ll be OK on your own
Kids can really worry about how a
parent is going to manage over
Christmas. If you are the one who is
going to be on your own, it’s incredibly
helpful to let them know how you’ll be
spending your time away from them,
that you’ll be OK and you want them to
enjoy their time with the other parent.Set a time for younger children to keep
in touch
Ask the other parent in advance: when is
a good time for a phone call or video
chat? For younger kids in particular the
visual element is important. If you are
the one who has the kids, encourage
them to phone the other parent. If
you are not the one with the kids, be
understanding that if you’ve agreed to
talk at 6pm, children may be caught up
in the moment and may not want to talk
for long. Don’t take it personally.Don’t burden teenagers with choice
When it comes to how to spend
Christmas, parents of teenagers often
say: “Let’s leave it up to the kids — who
do you want to be with on Boxing Day?”
But remember that no matter how old
your children are, when they say yes toone of you, they have to say no to the
other. Give them a voice, but don’t
burden them with choice. Say: “Here’s
what I’m thinking, how does that sound
to you? What are your ideas?”Be generous-hearted when it comes
to gifts
It’s a good idea to have a conversation
with the other parent before buying gifts,
so there aren’t duplications. When
tensions are running high, what happens
in some divorced families is that parents
say: “This is your special gift and it’s not
to leave this house.” I would say there’s
nothing wrong with buying special
things for your children that stay at your
home, but don’t give them as a gift. Make
it something that you bought for them
because you are creating a home for
them. Another thing to think about is
that you may not think your ex deserves
a Christmas present but that’s not how
your children feel. It’s very awkward for
children to show up at the other parent’s
house emptyhanded. If your budget is
tight you can make a card together or
bake cookies for them. Even if the other
parent doesn’t reciprocate, in the long
term your kids will feel very proud of the
fact you supported their relationship.Make sure stepkids don’t feel like
a guest
I can’t tell you the number of kids who
really struggle with feeling like guests in
a parent’s home, especially when they
don’t live primarily with that parent. It’s
really important for step-parents to
support children having one-on-one
time with their biological parent. We get
really excited, especially at Christmas,
with the idea of “We’re a new family,
isn’t this great, let’s do everything
together!” Kids still need time to hang
out on their own with their mum or dad.If you can, spend time together with
your kids and your ex
If one parent is struggling emotionally or
there’s a lot of tension between Mum
and Dad, this isn’t going to be helpful. If
you have a fairly amicable relationship,
then joint celebrations mean a lot to the
children. Even though parents are no
longer partners, if they still show up as
co-parents, it’s reassuring for children of
all ages.
Parenting Apart: How Separated and
Divorced Parents Can Raise Happy and
Secure Kids by Christina McGhee is
published by VermilionAs told to Fiona Macdonald-SmithYou may not
think your ex
deserves a
present but
that’s not
how your
children feel
Christina McGhee
has coached
hundreds of parents.
She gives her
expert advice
thirties I’d been that woman at Christmas.
The one who killed herself to make it “per-
fect” while going half-mad in the process.
One year I actually attempted to soak a
giant turkey in a bucket because either
Nigella or Jamie (or some other utter bas-
tard) told me it would make the bird succu-
lent and everyone’s day would be trans-
formed into some sort of utopian paradise.
While I was doing this unbelievably stu-
pid thing, the rest of the family were idly
munching their way through the Quality
Street tin. The next day I served moist
bucket turkey, but no one really noticed. I
could have served up old shoe leather and
it wouldn’t have made a jot of difference to
the overall experience. I just would have
hated everyone, including myself, less.
And now here I was. No cooking to do,
nothing. But my children were halfway
down the motorway and it wasn’t meant to
be like this. I had a cry and then did the
only sensible thing and got drunk.
Boxing Day was unbelievably relaxed. I
had a snooze on the sofa. A snooze! In the
day! But the guilt was still there, of course,
ever-present, ruining everything. Then
my much younger brother, Harry,
suddenly said: “Do you fancy driving to the
sales? I want to get some trainers.”
I remember how surprised I felt by this
strange, outlandish, non-mumsy Boxing
Day offer. “Yeah, OK, why not?”
We mooched round the shops, me
looking a bit flat and “day release” but ap-
preciating this alternative Christmas ex-
perience nonetheless. I remember us
having a chat in the car on the way back
and Harry telling me that he was proud of
me and that the children would be fine
because we both loved them. I remember
feeling profoundly grateful that he’d said
these things. I remember thinking: “This is
OK. I’m OK. We’re all going to be OK.”
Each Christmas the guilt lessened as we
all got used to things. I began to enjoy the
contrast of my hectic, fun, tiring time with
my children and the adult time without
them. A few years later things changed.
My daughter staged an intervention.
In a moment that told me that she might
one day be suitable for leadership roles, my
then 14-year-old summoned her dad and
me together. “We don’t want to be in the
car on Christmas Day any more,” she an-
nounced. “Things are just getting fun and
we have to leave. Then, when we arrive, we
feel like we’ve missed out there too. We
want to do the whole day in one place.” Her
brother nodded his agreement.
I was mortified. “Have you always felt
like this?”
“No, but we’re older now.”
“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”
her dad asked.
They eyeballed us as if to say, er, you two
are heads of logistics, not us.
My heart ached, but I also don’t think
I’ve ever been as proud.
“Fine,” we both said. “So what do you
want to do? Whole of Christmas every
other year with one parent, new year with
the other?”
“Would that be OK?”
“Of course! All we care is that you’re
happy.”
So that’s how we do it now. And I honest-
ly think they are happy, and that really is
all that matters. This year they’re coming
to me for New Year.
The year after my daughter had become
spokeswoman for the union of divorced
children, their dad had them for the entire
Christmas period. He was equally thrilled,
which is why a constant dialogue is a good
idea. Meanwhile, I made the most of
having a totally relaxing one.
“Are you all right, Mum?” the children
asked on FaceTime on Christmas morn-
ing. “Are you OK without us?”
“I’m great! I know you’re happy and I’m
having a whale of a time here with the
family, so don’t you worry.” And I wasn’t
lying. I rinsed the positives. I spent less,
slept more and on Boxing Day did an
eight-mile walk with my best friend and
fellow single mum. We’d got our Christ-
mases in sync. Joy to the world etc.
And on the years when I have them,
I go full on Christmas-tastic and allow
a bit of that lunatic I was in my thirties to
re-emerge. Just without the bucket.
There isn’t a blueprint for any of this, of
course. Every divorced family have to do
things their way to best suit their children
and circumstances. But ultimately it’s only
a day, so my advice is to strip away any
hysteria about how things “should” be and
approach it democratically and with
kindness. Let the children be children and
hope that the adults can be adult.
They call yoga a practice because
the point is you’re always learning and
improving. I think divorced Christmas
should be categorised in the same way.
Divorce at Christmas: it sucks, until it
doesn’t. On the upside, summer’s a doddle.The big day split: how to cope
at Christmas if you’re divorced
CHRIS MCANDREW FOR THE TIMES; GETTY IMAGEShGETTY IMAGES