the freedoms we’ve given one another ...
and the unconditional support, to me, is
the highest definition of love.”
Months earlier Smith’s daughter, Willow,
now 21, revealed herself as polyamorous.
“With polyamory, I feel like the main
foundation is the freedom to be able to
create a relationship style that works for
you and not just stepping into monogamy
because that’s what everyone around you
says is the right thing to do,” she said on
Red Table Talk, the chat show she hosts with
her mother and grandmother.
Many will roll their eyes at the idea of
open relationships and polyamory, and
note that toe-dipping into opening up a
relationship is often a sign that the couple
have boarded the one-way train to
Separationville. I’ve enjoyed meeting
polyamory advocates on both sides of the
Atlantic, but I couldn’t help noticing that
the vast majority grew up in divorced or
single-parent families. They’ve witnessed
the breakdown of the standard familial
structure, or suffered its consequences,
and are (understandably) keen to build
something different for themselves.
In New York this multipartner lifestyle
choice is surprisingly visible. Swiping
through the Hinge dating app in Brooklyn,
where I was living until this summer, it was
common to see “ENM”, which stands for
ethical non-monogamy, on people’s
profiles. Brits are also increasingly curious
about “poly”, according to Ana Kirova, the
CEO of the Feeld dating app. The number
of Feeld users in the UK has shot up by
more than 50 per cent in the past year.
“This is a sign that people are looking for
something outside of the one-to-one
[relationship],” says Kirova, 29, who comes
across as smart, deep thinking and
passionate about the poly crusade. “The
number of users who’ve mentioned ENM
and poly-related terms has increased by 140
per cent from January to September.”
It’s worth noting that there’s a vast gulf
between committed polyamorists and
sleazeballs on apps using non-
monogamy labels as a cover to cheat.
Olivia Petter, the journalist and
author of Millennial Love, is
sceptical of the ENM
tag: “I think it can be
positive, but I also
think there are
definitely a lot of
people who will see
that label and
subscribe to it
because it [enables
them] to just do
whatever they
want and hurt
people. I don’t
think everyone is
going to use that
label as it’s intended
to be used.”
Threesomes have long been the obvious
choice for people wanting to open up their
relationships. One friend who’s “on the
apps” with her boyfriend worries about
how some view their search for a bisexual
woman as ethically dubious because it
could teeter into hump-then-dump
exploitative territory. The practice has been
termed “unicorn hunting”, as it is a rare
individual who wants to be the third wheel
in a romantic relationship.
Another friend, 34 and based in Bristol,
recently joined Feeld and Tinder with his
wife. So far they’ve had nibbles on the line
but no solid bites. “Our preference is to try
and find a woman who will be more of a
regular thing, rather than a one-night
stand,” he says. “It would be good to get
comfortable together but without them
becoming part of our relationship.” They
both feel confident in the strength of their
ten-year partnership but want to explore
his wife’s bisexuality.
In May paparazzi photographs
showing three-way kissing betweenTaika Waititi, the Oscar-winning
screenwriter and director, Rita Ora, his pop
star girlfriend, and Tessa Thompson,
Waititi’s co-star in an upcoming Marvel
film, set tongues wagging. “People see that
and initially get shocked, and then they
start looking for it and find there is even an
app,” says Kirova, who describes her own
relationship with Feeld’s founder, Dimo
Trifonov, as “monogamish” (open but largely
monogamous). “[Polyamory] is becoming
more accepted. More people talk about it
openly. It’s not about monogamy being
wrong, it’s just about it being one option.”The Oscar-winning screenwriter Taika Waititi sparked intrigue when he was papped
sharing a kiss with the pop star Rita Ora, left, and the actress Tessa Thompson in MayLeft: Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have had an open marriage.
Above: their daughter, Willow, centre, discusses polyamory on TVAt 10pm the playrooms
opened and a surge of
bodies raced upstairs,
shedding clothes and
grabbing condoms
30 • The Sunday Times Magazine