sion: Did they see it as an act of courage or a
sign of weakness? Does showing vulnerability
equal revealing one’s strength or inadequacy?
At the end of the study, we measured how
self-compassionate the participants were using
a seven-point scale designed by Neff. (You can
fill out a version of this questionnaire for yourself
on Neff’s Web site.)
As predicted, people who don’t have a lot of
compassion for themselves evaluated an admis-
sion of their own mistake more negatively than
when they imagined others who took the same
step. Highly self-compassionate study partici-
pants, on the other hand, did not fall prey to this
beautiful mess effect. In their evaluations, the dif-
ference in how they viewed displays of vulnerabil-
ity in themselves versus others was significantly
smaller than in people lacking self-compassion.
We conducted similar experiments with differ-
ent situations, such as revealing one’s imperfec-
tions or confessing love to another person first.
We observed the same pattern of results: with
higher levels of self-compassion, participants be-
came less likely to judge their own displays of
vulnerability harshly. In other words, self-compas-
sionate people may be less likely to fall afoul of
the beautiful mess misperception across a spec-
trum of situations.
Notwithstanding the numerous benefits of
showing vulnerability, it is, by definition, a risky
business—especially for members of marginal-
ized communities who often bear the extra bur-
den of less psychologically safe environments.
People should always be thoughtful about when
and where they choose to disclose information
about themselves. But without self-compassion,
making oneself vulnerable—even in a safe
space—can feel like self-destruction, which
makes it all the more difficult to take this step.
Conversely, being kinder to ourselves may give us
a safe place to land, no matter where showing
our vulnerability leads us. Then we don’t need to
have as much faith in the notion that everything
will go smoothly if we share our struggles with
others. Instead we can have more trust in our-
selves to handle the outcome either way.
Luckily, our level of self-compassion is not set
in stone, and it can be intentionally cultivated.
For example, journaling exercises can help peo-
ple change the way they think about their own
strengths and weaknesses by writing about one’s
feelings with awareness and acceptance, offering
oneself words of support, and reflecting on how
others share difficult experiences. By developing
a kind, mindful attitude toward ourselves, we can
become more comfortable with showing our vul-
nerabilities. This practice, in turn, can strengthen
our close relationships.OPINION
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