MAY 3
It is unwise, because it is untrue, to idealize the dead...We
will spend a lot of needed energy keeping that illusion in
place and we will not honor the vigor and truth of the [one]
who has died...The myth of perfection is hard to maintain.
We do not need it. We can give it over—to God, if you will.
Lay it down. Leave it there. The [person], as he or she was,
was God’s child, acceptable, loved, all right. And so are we.
—MARTHA WHITMORE
HICKMANThis impulse to idealize the dead may spring from the
sobering realization that for our loved one, any possibility
for further human interaction or enhancement of reputation
is gone.
Perhaps the impulse to idealize a loved one—and our re-
lationship to that loved one—comes from our own anxiety
about a relationship that had its ups and downs, and now
the chances for fixing that are over.
Of course our loved one had some weaknesses. Of course
our relationship had its ups and downs. Join the human
race! What is not helpful is some fretful—and wasted—effort
to maintain a rosy gloss over the human triumphs and
shortcomings which are part of each and every life.
To berate myself or my loved one over what is unfixable only
deepens the wounds. In love and trust I can acknowledge who we
were and are to each other, and then move on.