SEPTEMBER 24
When my father was an old man, he surprised me by remark-
ing that he understood what my mother’s death meant to
me but had no idea what to do about it. I think it would have
been something if he had just said this.
—WILLIAM MAXWELLOne of the delicate issues within a family that has lost a
loved one is how much and what to say to one another.
Perhaps it will help if we can talk about the process—“Do
you feel like talking now, or would you rather be left alone?”
“I’d like to talk about __, but if you’d rather not now—or
ever—that’s okay.” We need to be as sure as we can that we
are not misinterpreting one another’s signals, and often
there’s no way to find that out without asking.
Particularly with children, we may refrain from acknow-
ledging their grief and ours in some effort to protect them.
They need our sharing, not our silence. What is unspoken
is often more fearful than shared pain. Children are no
strangers to tears and puzzlement. They need us, as we need
them.
It is probably better to risk saying too much than to hold back out
of fear.