OCTOBER 21
If you wish me to weep, you yourself
Must first feel grief.
—HORACEWhy is it easier to express our grief in the presence of some
people rather than others?
We don’t need our friends to weep with us (though
sometimes they do), but we do need to experience their
empathy, their understanding, in order to feel we have
permission to grieve openly in their presence.
It isn’t so much a matter of specific words that give us
permission as it is whether we believe they are fully present
to us, that their minds aren’t half off on some other subjects.
If we are going to be vulnerable enough to express our grief
to them, we want their full attention.
But not simply their full attention. We want them to be
nonjudgmental and sympathetic.
We want a lot. But we are giving a lot, too, in sharing our
deepest selves with them. And like the tender shoots when
a plant is most vulnerable, our feelings of grief and sad-
ness—and the trust to share those—are easily bruised.
We experience this now as a griever. It will stand us in
good stead when it is our turn to be the consoling friend.
Knowing how much I need sensitive listening will surely help me
be a sensitive listener for others.