are confident in their positive beliefs about themselves and

others, which makes this assumption logical.

• Responsible for their partners’ well-being—They expect
  others to be responsive and loving toward them and so are
  responsive to others’ needs.

Many people who live with insecure partners cannot even begin to
imagine how fundamentally different life with a secure person can be.
For starters, they don’t engage in the “relationship dance” that
therapists often refer to—whereby one partner gets closer while the
other steps back in order to maintain a certain distance in the
relationship at all times. Instead there’s a feeling of growing closeness
and intimacy. Second, they are able to sensitively and empathically—
and most important, coherently—discuss their emotions with you. Last,
the secure party engulfs his or her partner in an emotionally protective
shield that makes facing the outside world an easier task. We often fail
to realize what a bonus these attributes are unless they’re missing. It’s
no coincidence that the people most appreciative of a secure
relationship are those who’ve had relationships with both secure and
insecure partners. Though these people will tell you that secure and
insecure relationships are worlds apart, without the knowledge of
attachment theory, they too are unable to put their finger on what
exactly that difference is.

WHERE DOES THIS “TALENT” COME FROM?

If you are secure, are you born with this exceptional capacity or is it
something you learn along the way? John Bowlby believed that
attachment styles are a function of life experience—especially of our
interaction with our parents during infancy. A person will develop a
secure attachment style if her parents are sensitive and responsive to
her needs. Such a child will learn that she can rely on her parents,
confident that they’ll be available to her whenever she needs them. But
Bowlby maintained that it didn’t end there; he believed a secure child