Determine whether s/he seeks intimacy and closeness.

Assess how preoccupied s/he is with the relationship and

how sensitive s/he is to rejection.

Don’t rely on one “symptom,” look for various signs.

Assess his/her reaction to effective communication.

Listen and look for what he or she is not saying or doing.

DECIPHERING ATTACHMENT STYLES

WORKSHOP

Read the following accounts. Can you identify the attachment style in
each case? Cover the answers with a piece of paper if you really want
to test yourself, keeping in mind the prevailing traits and Golden Rules
we’ve just outlined (see the chart above).

1. Barry, divorced, 46.

Relationship? I don’t want to hear about it now. I am still licking the
wounds from my divorce. I want to make up for the time that I was
married. I want to feel that women desire me. I want lots of sex. I know I
have to be careful, though, because every woman that I go out with
immediately starts to fantasize about what kind of father I’ll be to her
kids and how our last names will sound together. I’ve been dating
someone for almost a year now, her name is Caitlin and she’s great in
every way. I know she would love for us to become more serious, but it
will take me a long time before I’m ready to trust another woman, to
commit and love. But even then I know exactly what I don’t want and