Gesturing, With or Without Intent 125
urinal in America—and this is not something that women per-
sonally witness—we follow the “urinal rules.” Rule #1: Do not
look down over the barrier. Rule #2: Conversation with strangers
concurrently using the urinal is not acceptable. Rule #3: If you want
to talk with the man you’ve spotted while you’re both at the uri-
nal—maybe you want to know where he got his tie—wait until you
both get to the sink and you’re washing your hands. Is this the
same for all men? Of course not, but it is a valid generalization
because it fits for a huge chunk of the population.
Two people in a relationship will commonly develop microcul-
tural rituals to show affection, anger, boredom, and so on. When
you extricate yourself from a long-term relationship, part of the
baggage you take along is the signs and rituals that you developed
in the context of that relationship. These may come back to haunt
the next relationship.
In reading someone’s body language, you will occasionally
come across gestures that you will think must mean something, but,
in fact, they may merely be personal rituals. What generally hap-
pens is that you repeat a gesture so frequently in private that it
leaks into your public presentation. Maybe you pick at your front
tooth when you’re thinking. Chances are that you will be sitting in a
meeting one day picking at your tooth. Other people may be com-
pletely distracted by your odd habit, but you won’t even realize
you’re doing it.
Some gestures have taken on meaning through cultural context
and you can only truly understand them as part of that culture.
Then again, as advertising and media span the globe, some cultural