❏ Hearing “secondhand” what someone thought of you but
was unable to tell you directly.
It is our behavior and not our intention that affects other people.
You may, of course, experience the counterpart to these:
❏ Having planned the response you want from others, you get
exactly that.
❏ You receive consistent feedback on how you come across to
others and it is in line with how you want to be perceived.
❏ When you ask or discuss with others what you want them to
do, by and large what you get is what you expect.
❏ Sometimes you don’t come across the way you would want,
but you know it and people are able to tell you this too.
❏ You are able to elicit and receive feedback openly and
honestly and you do so.
❏ The feedback you get from others is in line with what you
have sensed to be true before they even tell you—there are
no surprises.
❏ People say of you, “What you see is what you get.”
Some years ago when working with a multicultural team I was
fascinated by the way the different members of the team interacted
with their respective colleagues. In particular, I was intrigued by the
German manager who spoke to everyone else in an extremely
forthright way but did not allow others to finish when they spoke to
him. In one of the feedback sessions I took him to one side and
explained that I thought he was being inconsistent with his listening
skills. I explained that he gave the impression that he wanted others
to listen to him and yet at the same time was giving the impression
that he did not want to listen to others. He looked me straight in the
eyes and said with a very strong tone of voice, “That is exactly right.
I don’t want to listen to them—I do want them to listen to me!”
There are a number of potential scenarios.
1 Our perception of what we are communicating is different
to others’ perceptions of what we are communicating and
we are unaware of this. We “think” we are communicating
what we want.
METAMESSAGES 137