unconscious minds of their audience by doing it before they
talk about it. For example, in the previous teaching session
they would be very explicit about the way they build and
maintain rapport. When they come to teach rapport as a topic,
the unconscious minds of the people in their audience register
that they know this already, because they have had a recent
reference experience of what it is all about. They need never
know this at a conscious level, but the metamessage is, “You
know this.”
Alicia was about to be promoted to the position of salesperson
and was both excited and apprehensive about this. She had
some very sophisticated relationship-building skills, but she was
concerned that if she had a run of rejections she might lose her
determination to persevere. She recognized in other situations in
her life that sometimes when she was not winning she gave up.
Several of her colleagues were telling her how she could deal
with this. Essentially they were telling her what they would do.
However, one colleague remembered that Alicia was a good
runner who frequently took part in marathons and had talked
about her strategies for finding energy to keep going when she
“hit the wall.” The next time she talked of her concern about
how she might handle rejections if she experienced them, he
asked how she found the tenacity to keep going when she was
running. It was as if a light bulb had gone on as she realized that
she did already have (albeit in a different context of her life) the
strategy for keeping going when things got difficult.
The advice that Alicia received from the majority of her
colleagues is typical of how many people respond when they
hear someone talking about problems—they told her what to
do. However, the metamessage in doing this can be received
as “We have the answers to your issues” and “You don’t have
the resources to solve this.” Conversely, the metamessage of
the colleague who helped her to find the strategy from within
her own experience was, “You have all the resources you need
within yourself already.” This is an empowering way of
responding to Alicia or anyone else with a personal issue for
which they have not yet found a solution.
METAMESSAGES 147Teach first to the unconscious
minds of your listeners